Every member of this chatroom knows I write extremely graphic (but tasteful) Lord of the Rings erotic fan fiction. What most of you do not know is that, in case my apartment building burns down, I always carry a USB with my life’s work saved on it. And … yesterday … yesterday I lost the USB at a Baskin-Robbins. I called the store in a panic to see if anything turned up, and a sarcastic teenager said no (but I heard giggling in the background, almost like they knew). Guys—I’m fucked. My nickname in this chatroom is The Professor. But I’m not a professor. I’m a medical doctor. And when someone sends that USB to the state licensing board and those stiff queefs feast upon the scene where Bilbo uses a solid gold dildo on Smaug the dragon while atop a mountain of treasure, well, I suppose they’ll have no choice but to can me. I don’t understand! Some people paint, some play sports, some write stories about elves edging dwarves in a forest to symbolize a peace treaty between historically sworn enemies. I can’t imagine what they’ll think about the orc orgies, the hobbit bukkake scenes. It’s not my fault Vigo Mortensen’s perfectly defined jawline inspired a thirty-page single paragraph epic where Aragorn and Legolas double-penetrate Arwen. I’m just knocking down pins here! What? Pediatric oncologists can’t have hobbies? They never taught me that at Johns Hopkins. I thought watermarking every page I’ve ever written with “Dr. Geraldo McGuckin” was good business! My story about Gandalf the White giving Gandalf the Grey a golden shower, my story about the ring finally giving Frodo the courage to enter Samwise before ascending Mount Doom, they’ll ruin me. I can already see the headline in tomorrow’s paper: “Miami Doctor Fired After Heinous Hobbit Hobby Discovered.” Cassie’s gonna divorce me. She’ll get the kids too. The judge will hear the Mary and Pippen incest chapters read aloud in court and zippp—the kids fly right out of my life. Well, dear friends of Smeagol Spread Eagle, whatever happens, whatever the teens running the Baskin-Robbins decide to do with my work, please know this chatroom has brought me an insurmountable amount of happiness over these last five years. Your deviant videos, cartoons and poetry have inspired me beyond belief.

One vibrating cock-ring to rule them all. The Professor, signing off.

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Alex Dermody can be reached at alexdermody15@gmail.com