“Now Hiring,” by Sara Garland

Nov 25th, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose



Ping Pong Net Re-Stringer: Temp-to-Hire Contract Position—Seeking a self-starter with strong attention to detail and at least 5 years of experience in the ping pong, fishing, and/or shoestring industries to re-string ping pong nets in local tech company breakroom. Part-time temp-to-hire contract position. Pay starts at $11 for the first hour; $8.99 for each additional hour. Serious inquiries only. Provide resume, college transcript, and references. Dress to impress!

Assistant Managing Supervisor: Free-range organic paper mill seeks an Assistant Managing Supervisor to oversee manufacturing operating operators at regional branch corporate headquarters. Responsibilities include supervising newly-promoted mid-level management trainees and their spouses. Requirements: Bachelor’s Degree in Free-Range Organic Paper Mill Administration (Master’s Preferred); Three (3) years of experience with industry-specific computer applications including PULP and PULP+ for Windows; Certification in Collating. No phone calls, please. No hard-copy resumes. Now accepting environmentally-friendly online applications ONLY through our website at www.paperlessrecruiters.com/papermillcareers.

Spider Web Structural Integrity Inspector No. 2: Hiring employee to work alongside Spider Web Structural Integrity Inspector No. 1 to determine structural viability of spider webs in an assigned territory. Local travel required. Generous benefits package including medical, dental, PTO, life insurance, short-term disability, long-term disability, estate planning, paid holidays (excluding Halloween), and fully-equipped first-aid kit. Preferred Qualifications: CPR certification, strong eyesight, quick reflexes. Applicants must sign medical liability release upon offer of employment.


Sara Garland holds degrees in Journalism and Music Education from Arkansas State University. Her work has appeared in Potato Soup Journal, Pilcrow & Dagger, Funny Pearls (UK), Mystery Tribune, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and Staring Problem Press.

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