“Now Hiring,” by Sara Garland

Nov 25th, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

LOCAL JOBS AVAILABLE!

OPEN POSITIONS:

Ping Pong Net Re-Stringer: Temp-to-Hire Contract Position—Seeking a self-starter with strong attention to detail and at least 5 years of experience in the ping pong, fishing, and/or shoestring industries to re-string ping pong nets in local tech company breakroom. Part-time temp-to-hire contract position. Pay starts at $11 for the first hour; $8.99 for each additional hour. Serious inquiries only. Provide resume, college transcript, and references. Dress to impress!

Assistant Managing Supervisor: Free-range organic paper mill seeks an Assistant Managing Supervisor to oversee manufacturing operating operators at regional branch corporate headquarters. Responsibilities include supervising newly-promoted mid-level management trainees and their spouses. Requirements: Bachelor’s Degree in Free-Range Organic Paper Mill Administration (Master’s Preferred); Three (3) years of experience with industry-specific computer applications including PULP and PULP+ for Windows; Certification in Collating. No phone calls, please. No hard-copy resumes. Now accepting environmentally-friendly online applications ONLY through our website at www.paperlessrecruiters.com/papermillcareers.

Spider Web Structural Integrity Inspector No. 2: Hiring employee to work alongside Spider Web Structural Integrity Inspector No. 1 to determine structural viability of spider webs in an assigned territory. Local travel required. Generous benefits package including medical, dental, PTO, life insurance, short-term disability, long-term disability, estate planning, paid holidays (excluding Halloween), and fully-equipped first-aid kit. Preferred Qualifications: CPR certification, strong eyesight, quick reflexes. Applicants must sign medical liability release upon offer of employment.

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Sara Garland holds degrees in Journalism and Music Education from Arkansas State University. Her work has appeared in Potato Soup Journal, Pilcrow & Dagger, Funny Pearls (UK), Mystery Tribune, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and Staring Problem Press.

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