“An Update from Your Favourite Ultra-Successful Realtor!” by Alex Colvin

May 1st, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

I haven’t had sex with my wife in 270 days, and counting! And I’m proud to share that fact! Do you want to know WHY? Because I can’t make money or further my career when I’m having sex! My main goal is to be to most successful realtor in all of the Merrittville region, and sex can’t help me do that. Instead, I get pleasure and release from reading my trade records and watching money pour in from my Buyers, who I’ve convinced need to pour the entirety of their pitiful savings into a house that I convinced them that they need! And that makes me happier than sex. And it means I can pay for my wife to see her massage therapist four times a week, which she really seems to need these days. She gets really excited before her appointments. But real estate excites her too. Just yesterday, I heard her on the phone to her massage therapist saying, “Oh my God, yes, it’s just so big, I want it now. Right now.”

She must have seen my new three-million-dollar listing on the north side of town. It’s got a lot of square footage. I’m not going to lie, I kind of want it too. But it’d be a bit of a step down from the house we have now. Just saying.

But yes, I am ultra successful and amazing at what I do. And it is entirely by my own blood, sweat and toil. I put every fiber of my being into what I do, and every last drop of my willpower into all the things I tell my executive assistant to do for me. Her unpaid work on weekends and evenings is also my unpaid work on evenings and weekends, and said work is the result of MY determination and hard work. And I want you to know that. I know that when you probably see any of my thirty-five daily Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn/Twitter/Pinterest posts (links to all my accounts below) that I do, you’re struck by what a handsome, youthful, energetic, well-built man I am, and that my very social media presence radiates intelligence, compassion, modesty, and thoughtfulness. And I could totally pass for, what, 23, 24? And I don’t even work out or eat property. Success just keeps me young.

And if you want a taste of what it’s like to be me, you should think about home ownership. You might be saying, “wait, Rom, I just bought/sold a home with you.” Well, a smart and talented investor knows that NOW is the time to sell that home you just bought, or buy a nicer home. The December market is sizzling! And it’s the last month for any of my sales to count toward my award statistics. But I don’t care about that! That’s why I didn’t even mention it! I care about getting you the perfect home. Or a second home. Or an investment property. Remember! You’re not technically poverty if you’re half a million dollars in debt on a house you’ll default on if the slightest thing goes wrong! Instead, think of yourself as a savvy investor! That’s how I think of you. Whoever you are.

But I won’t just stop there! No, I won’t use up your bandwidth to tell you how I can make your richer, which I swear only slightly helps my own career and finances. I’d barely noticed the difference in my bank account if you sold your home with me. Really, I hardly care. No, I want to help YOU! You’re my favourite client on my ‘past clients’ mailing list! And that’s why I’m sending you a list of my key tips to being almost as successful as me:

Tips from Your Favourite Ultra Successful Realtor on How to be *Almost* as Successful as me!

1. Use every second of every day to make money!

Do you enjoy that fifteen minutes of driving to work, listening to music! Ha! Music is for the weak! If you want to actually succeed in life, use that time to WORK! Texting while driving might be illegal, but don’t let that stop you! If you’re like me, and just HATE that you don’t get paid to drive anywhere, change that up by texting/talking on the phone every time you drive anywhere! Keep your phone on during romantic dinners to make sure you don’t miss an important work call, and always be ready to drop what your doing and WORK. That’s how the pros do it!

2. Let me tell you how to raise your kids!

Don’t waste time with your kids! Use the time you have with them to have them help optimize your business! Turn that after dinner talking-time or whatever to make them empty the dishwasher, saving you that time to do more WORK! They’ll love you for it! Ask any kid, they’d much rather have a rich dad than an available dad. Hell, you can pay someone to be their dad! So don’t waste their time or yours with family time! Bonus tip: Instead of wasting time shopping for birthday presents, Christmas presents, or trying to find the perfect vacation, just throw money at your family members so they can buy what they want on their time, instead of you buying it on yours!

3. Turn fun into work!

Want to play 36 holes of golf this Friday? Me too! But you can’t afford to waste your time having fun! But thankfully, the tax code allows you to have fun on business, and write it off too! Bring a client you haven’t worked for in ten years to the course with you! Presto! Now it’s a business expense! So when your clients/assistants/wife is frantically trying to reach you all day Friday, you can honestly tell them you were busy working! See you on the greens!

REMEMBER! Success in life is ONLY measured by your income! If you don’t have a six-digit income, what are you worth, really? I’ll tell you for free (usually I get paid a consulting fee to do this, so thank your lucky stars), you’re completely worthless! You’re welcome. So call me about buying or selling that house. Let’s make it happen.


Rom Von Rokel, Broker*

*Note that after my name, it says ‘BROKER.’ Not sales representative, or realtor. The online course I took to earn that distinction makes me far more distinguished and prestigious than my lesser ‘sales representative’ co-workers. And I deserve to be recognized as such. Thank you in advance for acknowledging that.


Alex Colvin is a Canadian humourist who has been published in print, online, and even in a book once. He dreams of being immortalized on Wikipedia as being mildly amusing. Preferably before he dies.

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