“Go Badgers!” by Christina Dalcher

Aug 20th, 2016 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

Dear Incoming Students of the Class of 2020!

Please join us for a performance of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet this evening in the outdoor amphitheatre. After the play, soft drinks and snacks will be served in the Jefferson Courtyard.

Go Badgers!

Sandra Holly

Student Liaison

***

Dear Students,

It has been brought to my attention that certain themes and elements of last night’s play caused serious upset. Let me be the first to apologize for not having provided a list of potentially offensive/troubling/titillating subject matter, particularly the depictions of night-time stalking, suicide, and dangerous nocturnal balcony climbing. The Drama department has canceled further performances of Romeo and Juliet and will be reprising last year’s staging of Little Mary Sunshine in lieu of the discomforting Shakespearean tragedy.

I would also like to mention that Roosevelt College does not, in fact, advocate “dangerous nocturnal balcony climbing,” despite claims by PORNO (Pals Of Ralph Nader Organization).

Most sincerely,

Sandra Holly

P.S. Regarding the bowls of mixed nuts on the snack tables, I have sent a memo to catering suggesting they provide labels with the warning “This bowl contains nuts” next to bowls containing nuts at all future events.

***

Dear Concerned Residents of Lee Hall,

The building at the southeast corner of the quad was not named for the Confederate general, but for the American author of To Kill a Mockingbird. We see no need to rename the building.

Sincerely,

Sandra Holly

***

Dear Concerned Residents of Lee Hall,

Harper Lee’s recently published novel is currently under review.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Sincerely,

Sandra Holly

***

Dear Concerned Residents of Lee Hall,

We will be renaming your building.

Sandra

***

Dear Current Students,

Please do not send further email complaints about Thomas Jefferson. The Jefferson Courtyard is now the Rose Courtyard. Note that ‘rose’ refers to the flower, not to any individual, living, dead, or undead. Also note that all roses have been removed from the courtyard for safety reasons.

Sandra

**

Dear Current and Former Students,

In light of last week’s hunger strike, Roosevelt College will adopt a new grading system. The grade of F (0.0 grade points) will be abolished because, in the words of Undergraduates for Positivity, “failure makes students sad.” Also, as several alumni (and alumnae) have informed us that failing marks handicap their admission to graduate programs, this policy will apply retroactively.

Sandra

P.S. For those students still on hunger strike in protest of D grades, the catering office is currently processing your request for additional cases of Snapple and Red Bull.

***

Dear Members of The Disabled Student Association,

I apologize for my insensitive use of the term ‘handicap’ in this morning’s email.

Sandra

***

Dear Hunger Strikers,

I do not know who sent the cases of Enfamil to your sit-in, but will look into the matter.

Sandra

***

Dear Students,

Please forgive the delay in responding and for any mailer daemon bouncebacks you may have received. My inbox has been over quota for days now, so I will be holding an open forum to discuss the Ban These Books Campaign at seven this evening in the Auditorium (formerly the Twain Auditorium).

Sandra

***

Students,

For those of you who could not attend the forum yesterday evening, here is an excerpt of the minutes.

The following written works will be removed from all reading lists and from the library’s stacks effective immediately:

Huckleberry Finn
Ten Little Indians
All works by William Shakespeare
All editions of the Bible
All books in the Idiot’s Guide and X for Dummies series

Students who own copies of these books should avoid reading them in public spaces or in shared dormitory rooms.

Please do not contact me via email with questions. I am still catching up.

Sandra

***

***This is an automatically-generated email. Please do not reply***

Sincere apologies for the inclusion of the terms ‘Indian,’ ‘idiot,’ ‘dummies,’ and ‘Bible’ in my previous message.

Sandra

***

 ***This is an automatically-generated email. Please do not reply***

The following course has been cancelled pending reworking of the syllabus:

BIOL 250 (Entomology)

Once Professor Roberts works out a way to teach this course without reference to insects, we will reinstate it into the curriculum. In the interim, all students disturbed by the current material should excuse themselves from class. Safe Room #43 is located on the ground floor of the Life Sciences building.

***

***Which word in ‘do not reply’ did you not understand?***

Safe Room #44 has been installed next door to Professor Roberts’ Entomology lab.

***

Good Morning, Badgers!

I have taken over the role of Student Liaison from Sandra Holly. Please feel free to email me with any concerns you have. In the meantime, I hope you all enjoy Christmas break.

Looking forward to working with you all!

Mary O’Keefe

***

Goodbye, Badgers!

Effective Monday, January 4, immediately following Solstice Break, I will be joining Ms. Holly as her assistant at King Saud University in sunny Saudi Arabia.

Mary O’Keefe

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Defenestration-Christina DalcherChristina Dalcher is a linguist and novelist who prefers gin to small children. Find her short work in Zetetic, Maudlin House, Pidgeonholes, and other child-free corners of the literary ether. www.christinadalcher.com

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