Wow! Windows! I Don’t Think I Can Afford This Place

Jan 21st, 2014 | By | Category: Columns

Evolution is an interesting thing. Not too long ago (from a cosmic standpoint), we were nothing more than hairy knuckle-draggers whose sole purpose was to serve as free range meat for creatures with bigger teeth and sharper claws. We eventually made use of our opposable thumbs, and in what was probably driven by a desire to “get some,” we learned how to utilize tools and weapons. From that point forward we went from “hors d’oeuvres” to “only if I really need to eat will I attempt it.” We survived, we grew, and we developed. Nomadic in nature, we moved from cave to cave. When food started to become scarce, or conditions became harsh, we threw up deuces and moved on. If we came across a cave that was already inhabited, whether by a saber tooth cat or another tribe, it was not all uncommon for blood to have been spilled. Personally, I feel our ancestors had it easier in that regard: if they found the perfect place, it was as simple as bumping off the current occupants and moving in your rock couch and mammoth dishwasher.

For us, a bit more effort is needed.

As you mature you start to make the shift from “barnacle in your parent’s house” to “semi-functional adult” (where most of us remain), all of it culminating in you moving out into the world on your own. There’s a fairly standard progression in terms of living on your own, and that first step requires moving in to an apartment, but much like Joan of Arc, it’s never that easy. First, that home you’re pining after needs first be available, unfortunately for us, modern society kind of frowns on that whole “murder” thing our primitive ancestors favored. Second, you have to qualify to live there, and it’s not as simple as exclaiming “I have green paper with dead people’s faces on it!” They check everything, criminal record, credit score, current income generated, anything that will help them determine whether or not they’ll get their money on time or they’ll need to throw you out on your ear and sell your shit for good measure.

Now, if you were one of those dumb 19-year-olds Visa felt needed a credit card, failing to grasp even the simplest concept of money managing, you wouldn’t qualify for pocket lint. If you somehow managed to not completely abuse that hunk of plastic given to you, you’re granted the luxury of having to fork over a total of a thousand dollars in fees, so, good luck trying to furnish your new place with items not purchased from the hell hole that is Ikea.

Eventually, you’re supposed to trade in that deluxe apartment (in the sky) for a nice little home with a yard, tool shed, and a basement out of the neighbor’s line of sight. Those who live in the more rural areas (see: not NYC, LA, San Fran, Chicago or DC) tend to get more bang for their buck when it comes to home ownership. Eight bedroom, 32000 square feet with ramparts and a moat for home security, all for $1700/mo; that same $1700 in one of the cities listed above gets you a closet with a wonderful view of either a brick wall or close enough to an across the way neighbor who often forgets that nudity, while freeing, isn’t meant to be shared with strangers at 6 AM. Wish I could say I was bullshitting, but there are actual European castles on the market right now that are cheaper than a condo in Manhattan. So, if you’re one of those lucky rubes who can afford such a lavish home for peanuts, congratulations!  I hate your guts.

For us big city folk we’re left with two choices:

1. Within or near the metropolitan area you buy a condo.


2. For those who desire a lil’ elbow, live a hour (or more) away from the city center, removing you from the social scene which effectively turns you into a hobbit– sans the creepy old wizard “friend.”

Oh, and by the way, everything about it is your responsibility. If you’re the type who simply leaves your clothes in the dryer when they’re finished, I sincerely doubt you’re up to the task of maintaining an entire home, God help any life that has to depend on you for their survival. Also, have fun putting up with the bullshit with any home owners associations or neighborhood committees who exist to inform you that you’re not allowed to do whatever you want to that piece of property you paid out the ass for.
With the massive headache one receives by going through all this, it’s amazing that more people just don’t punt it and flee in to the woods and befriend a pine cone.



Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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