“The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives,” by Saikat Sen

Aug 20th, 2013 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

On June 5th, 2004, at approximately 2109 hours Zulu Time, Ronald Wilson Reagan III was killed in a targeted operation conducted by United States forces.  His termination with extreme prejudice was the capstone to a 9 ½-hour firefight involving multiple law enforcement, intelligence, and military agencies, including the “Night Stalkers” of the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment (Airborne) and the “Sunshine Division” of the 40th Infantry (Mechanized).

After the initial report of his death, and after all of his Republican Guard soldiers either surrendered or were eliminated, specialists from the Central Intelligence Agency quickly moved in to confirm the kill.  In accordance with U.S. Army Field Manual FM 3-0.5.130, Reagan was beheaded and his mouth was stuffed with garlic.  He was then impaled with two wooden stakes.  The first stake—driven into his stomach—had been made from the wood of a sacred hawthorn tree growing outside the Patriarchate of Peć (a monastery of the Serbian Orthodox Church), located in Kosovo.  The second stake—plunged into his heart—had been fashioned from the True Cross itself and is presumed to be made of cedar, pine, or cypress, but has so far resisted any modern genetic analysis.

The exorcism squad of the Priestly Society of the Holy Cross of the Prelature of Opus Dei thoroughly anointed the remains with consecrated oils and then burned them at temperatures exceeding 2000° Celsius in mobile furnaces provided by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.  The head and body were cremated in two different incinerators.  The ashes—still being kept separate—were then mixed with apostolic holy water and stored in isothermal liquid nitrogen freezers.  These subzero storage units comprised the sole payloads of two Titan IV-C carrier rockets which were then launched, one at a time, on flights into space.  The National Aeronautics and Space Administration chose the Sun as the final resting place of the temporarily frozen slush which was once Reagan’s body, while mighty Jupiter earned the privilege of receiving and containing what remained of his head.

Since that time there have been many supposed Gipper sightings, but nothing has been corroborated with verifiable evidence.  The mysterious slaughter of goats and other farm animals on a ranch outside of Navojoa, Sonora, was thought to be the handiwork of a returned Reagan, but researchers from the Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México reassured an anxious public that it was merely the handiwork of a migrating herd of Chupacabras.  Similarly, Reagan’s appearance on a flour tortilla served to a British tourist in Kolkata, India was attributed to be a promotional stunt by an overzealous restaurant manager.  Most of his so-called appearances can be explained away in like fashion.

His removal from this planet does not mean that the war is over.  Police in Israel have been clashing daily with Neo-Reaganites since mid-April.  Last Sunday, on June 9th, 2013, Romanian soldiers from the 6th Spec. Ops. Brigade (“Mihai Viteazul”), as well as United Nations peacekeepers and Interpol agents, cleared a 100-strong nest located a scant 20 kilometers north-northwest of Bucharest.  And the upcoming 2014 Parliament of the World’s Religions is expected to issue a strong warning about the dangerous rise in complacency, especially among today’s youth.

However, for right now, it does seem that we may indeed be free from Ronnie’s predations.  It’s morning again in America.  The long nightmarish reign of Ronald Wilson Reagan III is well and truly over.


Defenestration-Dapper GentlemanSaikat Sen is a door-to-door salesperson.  S/he specializes in vegan leather jackets.

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