The Waiting for Godot: Place two ice cubes in an empty tumbler. Watch them melt as nothing else happens. Wait until morning. Repeat.

The Wasteland: Pour everything you have into the largest glass you’ve got. Hand it all over to Ezra Pound and watch him change everything. Garnish with footnotes.

The Of Mice and Men: Whatever you’re drinking, smother it to pieces with your strong, but innocent hands. Turn to your best friend for comfort and watch as he shoots you in the head. (It’s for your own good, you know.)

The Cherry Orchard: Serve vodka neat. Garnish with tree bark and a maraschino cherry. Tastes bitter, but so does the truth.

The Emily Dickinson: Fill your Cup with Emptiness— / And Nothing—nothing more— / Then meditate upon your Life— / This Drink’s a Metaphor.

The Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night: Pour yourself eighteen straight whiskeys. Consume and die.

The Les Misérables: Steal a loaf of bread. Serve nineteen years in a prison camp. Find a bar and finally enjoy a nice glass of Bordeaux as a free man.

The Hamlet: Enjoy a cold, refreshing Danish stout alone. When finished, make sure everyone in the bar is dead (including yourself).

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Eric K. Auld is a writer, performer, and aspiring Nihilist out of Boston, MA. His work has been featured on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Guardian, Thought Catalog, and NPR’s Talk of the Nation. Follow him on Twitter: @erickauld.