“How to Buy Potatoes,” by Andrew House

Apr 20th, 2013 | By | Category: Poetry

Potatoes have their ways of lying. Hold one
close to your lips and spit-shine the shit
out of it. Do this in the store, oblivious
to the old ladies’ stares.

If your potato is shiny, chalk one up
for you. Should any dirt remain after a thorough wiping,
gently place the renegade spud where you found it. That
blemish is like a religion.

Next, hold the potato between your thighs and gyrate
methodically. The old ladies will give you
geriatric tiger eyes, but their feelings
mean nothing to you.

If you break the potato, it was a bad
potato. Don’t feel disappointed, the bastard had
it coming. A firm potato will pass this test like
an idiot savant.

Hold the winning tuber above your head and proclaim
its victory. When you take it home and rest its death-ready
body against the cutting board, consider for a moment
its many achievements.

Be proud. You will never see this
potato again. When you take its corpse
from the oven, you’ll feel like the makeup-smeared mother
of a runaway child, hungry and alone.


Defenestration-Andrew House

Andrew House is a writer of speculative fiction and humorous poetry. His work has appeared in Lowestoft Chronicle and Fear and Trembling Magazine, among others. He lives in Muncie, Indiana, where he works as a writing tutor.

Tags: , , ,

Comments are closed.