Mar 18th, 2013 | By | Category: Columns

 With it now being the third month into President Obama’s second term, quite a few debates regarding legislation has sprung up. There’s the ever popular “Defense of Marriage Act,” this whole second amendment hullabaloo, women’s rights when it comes to the development of a parasite in their body, drone attacks on American civilians, I’m sure there’s more, but you can only watch so much C-Span before you think to yourself “This would be a lot more interesting if Vince McMahon were Speaker….” Lost in the shuffle of these so called “important” pieces of legislation, things have quietly been passed, at least on local level for the citizens of New York City aka Gotham aka that place where weirdos fold their pizza slices; the illustrious Mayor Bloomberg and his evil band of henchman have made sugary drinks larger than twenty ounces illegal! Rabble, rabble, rabble! This is America, a nation that’s built on freedom from tyranny and oppression, and I feel that my right to remain a fat ass is now in the sights of “Ideal BMI” lobby groups and their media lackeys.

I listed a number of items that demand way more attention than whether or not some nobody wants to take their big gulp “around the world” (if you have no idea what this means, then you’ve never truly lived).  Their reasoning is that it’s their plan to “fight obesity,” and since we fat people are a sensitive lot, you can’t just shame us by pressing your nose up and squealing like a pig when we walk by, or maybe even rub our bellies like a Buddha statue. All of that, from what I’ve been told, dances on that line of “going a little too far.” So, they resort to the old standby and took a page out of Warren G’s (the rapper, not the president) book and “regulate.” Government regulation of the unhealthy foodstuffs we shovel into our mouths or, the “War on Everything Delicious,” is absolutely unnecessary… at least, it should be, unfortunately, there are forces at work far beyond the control of mere mortals.

Underneath it all, the government isn’t doing this because we’re too stupid to know that it’s probably not a great idea to drink an 82oz of soda in one sitting (then return for a refill), but because it all has to do with all around shitty parents. It’s the same reason the fast food industry has changed in the last decade. Gone are the days of “super sizing” (an act I avidly enjoyed) and the addition of “healthier” options to the menu. So, how is this a result of sub-par parenting you ask? Take a look at the various value meals that are listed on the menu: small, medium (default), and large sizes for fries and drinks, pretty standard really (sans my super-size…). Now, look at the kids’ items: all small by default (no change here) but now they’ve worked in and advertised the “healthier” substitutions; so, instead of soda, they have milk or juice, instead of fries, there’s apple slices. Apple-fucking-slices with a burger or chicken nuggets is actually a thing. If you substitute your child’s fries, the most glorious part of any fast food meal, with a fruit, you’re a terrible human being. First, apples by themselves are great, even better when baked into a pie, but as a side for burgers? If you, as an adult, went to a friend’s home for a BBQ, and they served various sliced fruits to have alongside your burgers, brauts, and various other grilled animal products, you’d flip the tray over in a rage and proceed to divulge all sorts of secrets about the rocky marriage of the hosts. Second, if you truly cared about your child’s nutrition, you wouldn’t be feeding them fast food in the first damn place. Food that’s loaded with sodium, “bad” fats, heavily processed, and containing items that may or may not be of this Earth (pink slime), along with the risk of it containing a human body part doesn’t exactly scream “healthy diet.”

So, as a result of terrible parenting, we had eight year olds who were pushing 150lbs, who looked like miniature, real life versions of the Michelin Man (or Stay Puft if you prefer). Clearly, someone is to blame for all this, and once again, the fingers shouldn’t be pointed at the parents, but the industry that has never claimed to be a healthy option in place of a good home cooked meal. Take a look at McDonalds prior to the turn of the century; practically every one of them had that sign boasting that, as a whole, they sold billions of burgers around the world. Now, at least in my area, those signs are gone. Even the small city I hail from in the American Midwest, a city that has a joint that sells fried cheese curds as a side to loose meat sandwiches (Maid Rites for you city folk), even the McDonald’s out there got rid of those signs. Back (mid)west, I can walk into a gas station, and walk out with a bucket of fried chicken, various snack cakes, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, clearly, this is NOT a place too concerned with healthy food choices, yet, it was forced on them.

I’ve got no problems with the government stepping up and saying “Hey, you know, some of the things you eat aren’t healthy, and you should probably look to, at minimum, reduce your intake.” But requiring, by law, to have business remove fat-inducing items from their stock is infringing upon my right to be fat. I know that shot-gunning soda directly from the fountain is unhealthy and unsanitary (at least for those that follow me), but I knowingly accept that fact. I know super sizing various value meals will lead to problems later in life, but who the hell wants to live an active lifestyle at 65? At that point I’d have been using my legs for 64 ½ years (suck on that you late bloomers), I’ve got more years behind me than ahead of me, I have EARNED the right to use a motorized scooter. When I’m standing in line, patiently awaiting my turn to order food loaded with trans-fat, every time I hear a person order a salad, I want to walk over to them, lift their arm, and slap the fat dangling off their triceps and advise them to “quit kidding themself.”


Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. He also offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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