SWF Princess ISO Italian SWM

Nov 19th, 2012 | By | Category: Columns

Recently, on a gaming news site that’s been  irrelevant for months, a story was posted about how a young lass who was seeking companionship through one of the many online dating services felt that while she identified herself as a gamer, stated she needed to keep the fact a secret (why this site is irrelevant to gaming). Her reasoning? She wanted a potential suitor to see her as something more than a person who’s extremely adept at handling a joystick (yay double entendres!) So, in an online environment, where many of the users are socially awkward, and trying to find some way to establish a rapport with someone, she opted to leave out nearly 90% of what guys could easily connect with her on. Which led me to one, very simple truth which is this woman, is simply not a gamer.

Indeed, “dem’s fighting words” when you accuse a fellow gamer of…well not being one, but, let’s call a spade a spade shall we? First, let’s take a look at where she felt the need to hide this truth, on an online dating website. Granted, this paints her in a positive light as we gamers are social recluses who have difficulty connecting with folks on an emotional level. While folks around us are discussing major life events such as promotions, pregnancies and parole hearings, we’re sitting there trying to feign interest.  Every sentence, every word, every action, can easily be related to some aspect video gamedom and we may end up chuckling at an inappropriate moment.  Because of that, we don’t exactly thrive in face-to-face interactions, so, online dating is a perfect place to meet new people where our “awkwardness” can be viewed as “quirky”, until the meeting occurs and we become the stuttering mess we know we are.  You don’t have to be a gamer to realize this, just common sense. We spend entire days and nights shut away in our home, all the lights off, a box of Cheez-Its and various soft drinks in arm’s reach yelling in excitement for every headshot or 100-hit combo we pull off… and we do this ALL THE TIME.  So, a normal person looking for a date, much like she did, would opt to leave this out as they don’t want to attract our ilk as it’s profoundly annoying having World of Warcraft pick-up lines thrown their way (if the numerous macings I’ve received are to be believed). There is, however, a flip-side to this coin; those who list a love of gaming; this, my friends, is dangerous territory. While it’s entirely possible that this person enjoys Mario Kart and Legend of Zelda, the scary truth is something more… sinister may lurk beneath the surface.

Recently, thanks to some fantastically shitty stores that litter local malls, it’s been deemed acceptable to wear retro gaming themed clothing and accessories. You’d think I’d be all for this, “Oh, fuck yea! A shirt with the Tri-Force on it! That’s all me son!” however, this attracts a breed of person detrimental to the culture; the faux-gamer.  The truth of the matter, video game themed clothing isn’t exactly a new thing, for as long as kids have been playing video games, they’ve donned some piece of video game inspired piece of clothing or accessory. There was one little catch in which you had to really love video games as these items weren’t carried in stores; you needed boxtops, hand written letters and the consent of a parent or guardian at least 18 years of age. You had to go above and beyond the call just to get something as trivial as Super Mario Bros. underwear (trivial to commoners, I find it amazing), and when you got them, they became the undergarments you wore only on special occasions.  Now? Any ol’ schmuck with a wallet (and the corresponding chain) can walk in, drop down $35 and walk out with a t-shirt featuring a pixilated character. I did make mention of the fact that it’s retro game themed clothing that’s acceptable, which is, in some weird way, great that gaming’s roots are getting the attention it deserves. However, what’s not is that the folks rocking these shirts may think the hero from Pitfall is nothing more than a pixilated version of Dr. Indiana Jones, or that the space invader is merely a one-off character from a special episode of Futurama. The whole thing makes me want to kidnap some poor, unsuspecting woman and hurl barrels and sentient balls of fire at her rescuer.

I know, I know, who died and made me the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom; I fully accept that it makes me look like a pretentious jerkass when it comes to passing judgment on someone’s gaming affinity, however, being a gamer my entire life I like to think that I have a little insight into the matter.  Gamers, actual gamers, have no qualms professing their love for it from the rooftops, they’ll happily spend hours talking about all types of gaming, from mobile to PC, brain teasers to MMOs, and, here’s the scary part; because of their intense love for it, they can make it interesting to non-gamers.  Our love and passion for the “art” is no different than those who enjoy the creations of Picasso, the scores of Mozart, or the works of Hemingway.  Some of you probably scoffed when I dared to liken the craft that is video games to more “legitimate” forms of culture, and for that I kindly say “Piss off.”


Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. He also offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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