Gone Dictatorin’

Jul 11th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Currently, I’m toying around with the idea of running for some form of political office, the good kind where you have actual power, not some piddly comptroller. I’d like to say my intentions would be noble and pure as I strive to improve the lives of all of the citizens that turn to me for leadership…again, I’d like to say, but I’m not a putz. It’s pretty much common knowledge at this point that there’s not a single decent politician left, so I feel there’s no better occupation that will allow me to not only act like an absolute dick to everyone beneath me, but will also allow me to make significant “chedda” in the process. Yes, yes, I will be for sale to the highest bidder. Seriously, who gives a crap about some out-of-the-way nature preserve nobody goes to? Erect a couple hundred oil derricks across the landscape and call it a day.

I’m not a complete idiot, I realize that nobody in their right mind would vote for me if that was all I had to bring to the table. So obviously I have to offer something that can be construed as a “public service.” We call that “playing the game” folks. Below is just a sampling of my political platform. Now, it’ll be way too much effort to tailor these to the various elected positions out there, so let’s just go with “Ruler of Everything the Light Touches” (some liberties are going to have to be taken with the Constitution, but whatever):

Breeding restrictions: Yes, I know this may appear as a bit too 1940ish Germany, but hear me out. I don’t care what your race, religion, sexual orientation, or if you favored Mary Anne over Ginger, but if you’re too damned stupid to even dress yourself, God help whatever creature is dependent upon you for their survival. Now, the question is, how do we determine if a person is fit to be a parent? Simple: we administer a series of tests. Think about it, we need classes and licenses to prove that we’re responsible drivers or gun-owners, why not for parents? A laminated card that can prove to the world that, if your child happens to brutally murder someone, it’s because that person had it coming, not because you were more concerned with the latest episode of “Real Housewives…”

The removal of any and all individuals who lack any form of common sense from the gene pool: All dictators are allowed some form of “cleansing,” this is mine, and this one actually benefits the greater good. This is where the citizens will be trusted to “snitch” on others. While it will be a police state, there’s only so much one can do when spreading fear is all one knows. Rest assured, that the methods used to identify “Dumbassery” will be very thorough, I can’t risk losing citizens who would be able to contribute to the greatness of my reign. Those who reported an innocent citizen, would be subject to same punishment rendered on those who are found in violation of “Acting Like a Dumbass.”

Removal of all 24-hour News Channels: First and foremost, I don’t need these folks “throwing salt in my game” by reporting on alleged atrocities I may be committing. Second, they’re the number one cause of the “retard” that’s prevalent in any folks who feel they have a grasp as to what exactly goes on in the political scene. With one side calling the other socialist Nazis (as if that were possible), while so-called socialist Nazis insinuate their accusers are inbred rednecks. There’s also no NEED for 24-hours of news, especially when top stories involve which celebrities other celebrities are knocking boots with. Hopefully, the previous law that will eliminate all those accused of dumbassery will take care of this for me, however, some of those execs can be willy critters. I may have to resort to some form of all-you-can-eat buffet and invest heavily in steel bear traps.

New forms of Taxation: This is short and sweet: if you purchase anything from the catalog of Ed Hardy, Affliction, pretty much anything an MMA fighter would wear/hock, you can expect 120% increase on these goods. If you’re going to subject those around you to gaze upon your douchebag visage, you’re going to pay large sums of money to do so.

Of course I could just forgo all of that and act like HeDLy Lamar…pretty much the same thing.

Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, Twitter, and offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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