When All Else Fails, Resort To Beating

Jun 13th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

An important thing for children today is establishing their social standing amongst the roving tribes of feral children. Now, in watching various nature programs on NatGeo, this is generally accomplished by overthrowing the Alpha male/female, which is usually determined via some sort of violent altercation which, at minimum, ends with some type of horrible disfigurement. Unfortunately, parents this day and age coddle their children at the very thought of them losing an arm–and are quick to hinder any sort of action…pffft. In order for you to ensure they imprint their dominance on outside forces, you’re going to have to instill in them a strong sense of dignity.

First off, a child’s plumage plays an important factor, and is generally used to differentiate the various, and often times, warring tribes of younglings. I’ve been told that things like feathers, bones, and headdresses fashioned from the heads of skinned beasts are in violation of numerous dress codes set forth by schools, so, we’ll have to go with things a bit more conventional.

For the males, it’s a bit easier: just ensure that the clothing is not a size too tight, as this tends to cut off all blood & oxygen circulation to the brain. The resulting effect would be the removal of internal safeguards that block douchebag impulses and gives the impression that Axe body-spray is appropriate for all occasions ranging from first dates to funerals. Additionally, any designs on the clothes must be completely devoid of graphic designs resembling tribal tattoos, and if you ever see a “popped collar” you are well within your rights to slap them around a bit.

For the females, it gets bit trickier: firstly, a distinct lack of tight clothing for two reasons. 1) the first is the same reason for males, and 2) it attracts douchebag males, of all ages, and, should you find yourself on the run for murder, it becomes a bit more difficult to stomp out the douche. You’ll also want to make sure they stay away from any and ALL animal print designs, as the only people who should wear anything with the design of a zebra or a giraffe are the indigenous people of Africa who have killed the creatures for reasons beyond the latest fashion trends.

Next, you’ll want to temper the child’s attitude. Considering you are more than likely NOT a douchebag, this can be quite difficult. In order to get a better handle on this, you’re going to have to make a sacrifice. It will be painful, and on more than one occasion you’ll wish for death, but you do this for someone for whom you love. In preparation for this, you’re going to need to take a minimum of two weeks off from work; one week to endure, the last week to recover. You’ll also want to make sure that as you’re going through this trial, that those you care for stay away from whichever area of the house you’ve commandeered to achieve your goal.

Now that you’re quarantined (hopefully with a large empty bucket or tub), turn on your television, and watch one of the many Jersey Shore marathons sure to be on MTV on any given day. It will hurt, your stomach will twist and turn, and, combined with sleep deprivation as well as a lack of any engaging mental stimulation, you’ll start to develop some sort of emotional connection with these “people.” A minor case of Stockholm Syndrome will overtake you, but you MUST fight it: future generations of your family depends on it.

I’m still trying to determine how the douchebag way of life has infiltrated our public schools. I’ve written many a letter to as many government officials as possible, warning them of the potential downfall of all things we hold near and dear. Unfortunately, all have responded to my proposals with cease & desist letters. Apparently they’re too caught up in politics and sending genital laced pictures over Twitter to address this potential epidemic.

Their ignorance aside, I certainly hope this has, at the very least, opened your eyes, and will be more vigilant to the signs of douchebaggery. I sincerely hope that your children haven’t become wards of the state as you waited for this thrilling conclusion. I mean honestly, waiting for a tongue-in-cheek columnist to tell you how to raise your children means your entire family is just doomed. So you might as well just write off the prospect of your children contributing anything of value to society.

Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, Twitter, and offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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