“An Open Letter to the Miss Universe Organization,” by Matt Lettieri

Jun 29th, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

To whom it may concern,

I have always marveled at the wondrous mystery of outer space. I stand agape, gazing heavenward at the stars, those flaming spheres of plasma whose energy radiates throughout the universe as the result of the complex process of hydrogenate thermonuclear fusion. I am enthralled by the precise intricacy of our solar system and the elaborate interconnection between gravity and mass, solar wind and interplanetary dust.  The expansive and limitless universe boggles my mind, and I am continually dumbfounded by what a small role the human species plays in the grand scheme of life. 

This is why the Miss Universe Pageant is so blatantly unfair. How can you call it “Miss Universe” when the only planet represented in the competition is Earth? 

Your exclusion of non-earthlings is the most heinous exhibition of universal discrimination in this planet’s storied history and, frankly, I am appalled. Earthlings, of course, have no doubt displayed their share of shameful prejudice throughout history, but your so-called “beauty contest” has multiplied the injustice to interplanetary levels not reached since Jupiter began trafficking Martians to Saturn in exchange for extra rings and a star to be named later. 

I, Edward Thompson, serve as the director of the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Circling Planets). I encourage you to visit our website and familiarize yourself with our literature as you will certainly be hearing more from us in the near future. We have won many victories for marginalized space groups throughout the years, including bringing an end to the aforementioned Martian trafficking.    We are currently locked in a highly contested legal battle with the International Astronomical Union over the standing of Pluto. No planet will be stereotyped based on size as long as we are in operation. You can bet that we will get those chauvinists to restore the Plutonians from dwarf planet status back to full planetary. When we achieve that victory, Miss Universe will be priority number one. 

Parents on Earth strive to instill in their children an attitude of acceptance towards those of different origin, different skin color, different beliefs and values. But apparently, having only one eye-ball, or an elongated neck, or a slimy, scaly body, or only two fingers on each hand precludes a being from this universal acceptance (pun intended). How can we teach our children about true beauty when we cannot see the beauty in all creatures? Earth has certainly become a haughty and prideful planet when it has forgotten that its very own women, the women who compete in this competition each and every year, once resided on the fiery shores of Venus. 

Have we not advanced far enough as a society where we can accept beings of all heritage, whether they are just a little terrestrial or extraterrestrial? 

(By the way, the preferred term at the NAACP for a creature not of Earth is “other-world-inhabiter.” The term “extraterrestrial” is not only extremely offensive, but makes no sense at all. To be “terrestrial” means to possess strong ties to planet Earth. To be extraterrestrial then, if taken literally, would mean to possess very strong ties to planet Earth, but this is obviously not the intended meaning in the common usage of the word. It is truly vexing to think about how these nonsensical words entered the English language, but I suspect that this word, like many similar words, originated during an especially competitive game of Scrabble in the Webster household.) 

It is well known that America has a bit of an immigration dilemma, and I can see how this might play a part in your reluctance to allow other-world-inhabiters into the competition. The last thing most American citizens want is additional illegal aliens infiltrating the nation’s borders, and this opposition leaves many with discriminatory mindsets. I assure you, though, that there are good and decent other-world-inhabiters who simply want a fair chance to claim the title of Miss Universe. After the pageant, all contestants will return to their home planets and will not seek to steal any minimum wage agricultural or landscaping jobs. After all, it is difficult to have a green thumb when you have no thumb. 

Now, I understand that expansion to include other planetary beings will no doubt alter the traditional flow of events in the Miss Universe competition. For instance, the swimsuit portion of the pageant has long been a crowd favorite. However, it may be necessary to temporarily suspend this section of the show until NASA is able to discover anything resembling water on a planet other than Earth. It would not be fair to force these creatures to wear a garment that is normally worn to immerse oneself in a substance that is not actually present in their native lands. This is a minor concession to make for the sake of inclusion. 

I ask you also to keep in mind that your motivation for more inclusive entrance criteria will not be solely altruistic. Imagine the boom the pageant will experience in television ratings when exposed to a universal audience. It is estimated that six hundred million earthlings watch the competition each year. An aggressive galaxy-wide marketing campaign could push that viewership as high as thirty three trillion. Advertisers would be lining up for light-years at the chance to gain exposure to such a wide audience. You may even be able to sell naming rights to a top galactic corporate sponsor. Imagine the added prestige that would be brought about by a name like “Uranus Oil Miss Universe Pageant.”  

In closing, I would like to thank you for taking the time to hear me out. I represent a growing number of individuals who are tired of your disgraceful policies. Do not ignore our plea. Do not ignore the beauty of the other-world-inhabiters. Do not allow yourself to look back on this moment in regret over what could have been. Your refusal to change the entrance criteria would forever give Earth a bad name (like Gertrude or Clive). Now is the time to act. Now is the time to truly find the most stunning female specimen in the entire universe,  or at least have the decency to rename your contest “Miss Earth” to be more accurate. 

Thank you. 

Sincerely and respectfully,


P.S. I hear Miss Mars is quite a looker.


Matt Lettieri is a writer living in Philadelphia. Among his minor distinctions are that of being a bachelor (he has a degree to prove it) and a recipient of many credit card solicitations. Read more at mattwords.wordpress.com.

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