It’s Lonely at the Top

Mar 14th, 2011 | By | Category: Prose

Coming from the “Land of the Freakishly Tall”, I understand the fascination that you vertically challenged folks have with our height.  You stare at us in awe as if our size was gifted to us by the Gods themselves, making us preordained to lead humanity into a Golden Age of Prosperity, and that is too much pressure. I just want to lounge around eating various cheese and meat products straight from a can like any other normal person. I’m well aware of how amazing you short folks think we are, really I do, and I’m certain you’d like nothing better than to be our sidekick, which is why I’m gonna give you a few pointers as to how to get into our good  graces or, at the very least, keeping us from grinding your bones to make our bread.

1)      We tall folks are asked everyday what our height is, and everytime, the person asking stares up at us in bewilderment with their mouth agape as the drool starts to soak through their shirt. So, if you wish to make friends with this taller than average person, DON’T DO THAT. All that does is make the person feel as if they’re the main attraction at a freakshow, and you’re some slack-jawed circus patron, choking down peanuts, as you point and go “Oh my god! Look at THAT thing!”  If you’re genuinely curious about their height, then open with “I know you probably get this a lot….”  The person will then crack a smile, and answer very politely, however, that isn’t an invitation to open up to them about all the tall people you’ve ever known, because, quite frankly, we could care less. However, I know this isn’t going to sway some folks from divulging that pertinent information anyway, so, if you just can’t help yourself, only bring up people who are as tall as, or taller than the person before you; telling them about someone who’s still shorter than them isn’t going to illicit any sort of response outside of a half-hearted, “Oh..really?” as they think how far they’re going to have to throw you in order to break one of your bones.

2)       Don’t assume that the person before you played basketball, or, if they look ‘big’ enough, football. There’s no “Being Tall Handbook” that states if you’re over 6’3” that you had to partake in sports. Tall people are no different than yourself, and have their own reasons for not wanting to play; no interest, flat out lazy, their school didn’t have that sport, not allowed on the grounds of other schools in the county due to previous violent arrests, the possibilities are endless. Now, if they did play, and answer honestly, you can follow up, questioning if they still play.  If they no longer play DO NOT start to pry as to why, if the person loved the sport, they don’t need to remember why they were forced to give it up. There’s nothing worse than having some know-nothing biddy who is “all up in your Kool-Aid” digging up s*** you left buried over a decade ago along side memories of walking in on Santa filling your mom’s “stocking” or watching your beloved dog lose a game of chicken with an 18-wheeler. Drop the subject and move on.

3)      Now, we’ll get into the use of adjectives that are used to reference those of the taller ilk. Adjectives are a great thing to use when you wish to accurately describe something you had just seen…what’s not appropriate is tacking them on to the front of someone’s name when greeting them. I know I’m a big guy, the world knows I’m a big guy, and the small woman I plowed through  at a concert last year definitely knows I’m a big guy , so, when greeting me, I don’t need you to refer to me as “Big Chris”. That’s just rude. How would you like it if, when you were greeted, someone started using your physical traits to address you? “Buck-toothed Mark” or “Cross-eyed Karen” doesn’t sound that great does it?  Now I will say there are instances where it’s acceptable to add the “Big” moniker, that occasion being when you’re speaking about the person to someone else AND the taller individual has a fairly common name. This helps differentiate between “Big Tim” and all the other “Tims” this person knows. There are two  other exceptions to the rule, and that’s if the person either requests to have “Big” added to their name, or they had it added legally…regardless of which it is, it’s best to avoid these types of people at all costs,  lest you wish to be overcome by their unnaturally douchey aura. The only person it worked for was Christopher Wallace…and..well…we know how that ended.

4)      DO NOT comment on how big everything on them is, this is not “Little Red Riding Hood”, and they are not the Big Bad Wolf. If various body parts didn’t look ‘big’ then the would look like they walked out of a Don Hertzfeldt cartoon (shameless plug), with arms akin to that of a T-Rex. Don’t allow your boyish excitement shut down the parts of your brain that deal with rationality, obviously big people have….ok…I can’t finish this without laughing as I have the sense of humor of a 12-year old.

5)      If you ever ask “Hey, how’s the weather up there?”, you should promptly throw yourself through the nearest plate glass window, taking extra care to ensure one of the falling pieces of glass slices through your jugular.

There are certainly more, but it falls more in line with things you just don’t do to a stranger…like rubbing your hands all over their face, or cornering them in the elevator and refusing to let them leave, stalking, however, is always acceptable. If you manage to follow these simple rules, then you will be able to befriend this person, develop a wonderful relationship, and can ask for piggy-back rides without coming off as a creep, cause, let’s be honest here, that’s the ONLY reason you even want to be friends with people like us. We’re not pack animals you emotionally detached a**holes!

Skee-Lo – I Wish by christ88

Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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