“Interview with accomplished maxillofacial surgeon and voice actor Greg Clark, D.D.S.,” by Ryan P. Carey, D.D.S.

Mar 23rd, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

For an unknown peer review dentistry journal, never published.

R. Carey, D.D.S.: Thanks for sitting down with me briefly to talk about your accomplishments. I want you to know that, if at any point during our talk, I seem aggressive or pressing, I’m just playing devil’s advocate.

G. Clark, D.D.S.: Fair enough. But I’d like you to know that the following topics are completely off limits—

RC: Actually, if you don’t mind, I prefer not to know in advance. I’m skilled at reading nonverbal cues as a means of discerning proximity to taboo subjects. An important part of genuine interview is being able to play this psychological game of verbal mine-sweeper.

GC: Fair enough.

RC: Now, then… We both know that you’re a man of very high self-esteem. You’re not the least bit insecure. In fact, Maxillo-Monthly said about you, “For any normally self-confident man to sip from Greg Clark’s drink and ingest even the tracest amount of backwash, would be akin to feeding 8000 mg’s of Paxil to a Great White Shark…”

*Clark does not shift in his seat nor exude even the slightest hint of discomfort*

That being said, if you were truly pressed to mention a shortcoming that you possess, what would that be?

GC: Certainly. Hmmm… Well if I’m going to be thoroughly honest with you about my over-all mastery of personal and public excellence… I’m certainly humble enough to admit that I’ve never been truly clear on barbershop gratuity. Is it 28% like food and drink? Is it a dollar for every quarter-inch trimmed? Is it a quarter for every year stylistically the barber removes me from the 80’s? I’ve always found it puzzling, and so I generally just tip 200%, which usually ends up bad for the barber since most of my haircuts are free.

RC:  I certainly like your current style right there…

GC: Yes, this particular haircut manages to capture my all-business-precision with my modern uber-confidence. It’s called “Paul Rudd visits H&R Block”.

RC: Was that haircut complimentary like you mentioned?

GC: Actually, the stylist at Johnston’s Cuff-Link paid me several hundred dollars to receive it. They like to consider themselves one of my sponsors. Although it made the tipping situation precariously awkward. I accepted some Brach’s butterscotch and a massage.

RC: So, let me ask you, if I may, what you find most rewarding about maxillofacial surgery?

GC: Well, you frankly can’t beat the feeling of being a successful specialist, able to afford any haircut you want at any time… I like to give free cranio-facial grafts to barbers when they come in. To make them feel at home, I keep my instruments soaking in a jar of blue barbicide. It’s really just for fun, you see, my instruments are already perfectly clean. I run them through the top-end autoclave sterilizers after each procedure, but they appreciate the well crafted and thoroughly apt gag on my part.

RC: *I’m shifting uncomfortably, starting to realize that it may be challenging to engage Dr. Clark in non-hairstyle oriented conversation.* So, how did you get involved with voice-acting? That’s not a very typical side-occupation.

GC: Well it was only natural, having studied for years the dynamic structures of the human mouth… With that, comes an almost supernaturally intuitive skill for voice modulation. When you’ve explored the inner chambers of the jaw, palate, throat and sinus cavity, the entire face becomes a composition device, capable of synthesizing any tone timbre and sibilance imaginable.

RC: *While relieved that the discussion is progressing, I am currently very uncomfortable because he said that last sentence in pitch-perfect Hannibal Lector.*
At what point in your career did you decide to branch out and pursue voice acting?

GC: Well, I had always been a heavy proponent of Barbershop Quartets. In addition to Barbershop music being so important, there’s something just so amazing about Western civilization’s last remaining classical artisan symbol in culture: the barber pole.  A non-intertwined red and blue double-helix, which when spun, creates the illusion of endlessness–it really reflects the perpetuity of the barber craft. Talk about an enduring symbol through the ages! It’s the only dominant structure that represents a business, skill-set, way of life… Did you know that in the Middle Ages, barbers would do tooth-extractions? They were civilization’s first maxilofacial aid-givers. The pole was physically used for patients to grip on during the painful process of dental extraction. The red and blue symbolize the original bloody bandages that were wrapped around the top of the pole, indicating the barbers’ specialty to travelers in the street. It’s a signpost symbolizing the endlessly giving nature of mankind helping people in need. And today it represents the liberal and conservative mind-sets that contribute to our American democracy—the same colors of which are found on our country’s flag.

RC: *I’m hoping he got it out of his system, and I do my best to change the subject.* Who is your favorite actor?

GC: I’m a big Johnny Depp fan, he’s been in a lot of good films. I especially enjoyed that Sweeny Todd, the Demon—

*We are interrupted by a very loud fax machine nearby in his study, which Dr. Clark goes to read from aloud as the message is printed out. Someone has faxed him Poe’s The Raven, which he reads as Captain Jack Sparrow. I let myself out.*


Dr. Carey says: “I started a practice for dolphin dentistry in 2004, despite the relatively low demand for that sub-specialty. My relatively modest success comes from my tremendously expensive office fees. And when your Philadelphia area dolphin has a tooth-ache at 3:00 am, what else are you going to do? The Camden Aquarium being nearby definitely helped my practice, and regardless of what you read, I was cleared of any allegations of sneaking Pepsi products to the delphinidae.” 

Visit his blog, The Inappropriate Thesaurus

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