Donner? Party of Four?

Feb 1st, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Ever get to your lunch hour and realize you forgot to bring your lunch AND your wallet? We’ve all been there. And by “there” I mean your desk, where someone stole your lunch and I stole your wallet. (Your driver’s license looks pretty good, considering your face!)

So, what do you survive on? You might consider sustaining yourself on rage, or perhaps glorious cannibalism. But maybe you’ve been taking anger management classes and your coworkers are too stringy to be edible. Well, don’t worry, I’m here to make it up to you with some handy tips on how to make the most of your lunch hour, even if you’re penniless and locked in your cubicle!

– This is where it really pays off to save every scrap of leftovers. Sure, you didn’t think you’d ever need that three-day-old side order of nachos from Taco Bell, but when you’re hungry enough they start to look like a king’s feast! Bring this winner home by carefully drizzling a single packet of hot sauce over the top.

– You didn’t think those Starbucks Via packets would ever be drinkable…and they’re not. But if you take them like Pixi Stix, you can at least fill the gnawing hole in your belly with something suitably cocaine-esque to make you forget your hunger for a few precious hours, until it’s time to hit the gym for that 15-mile jog you suddenly feel like!

– Wander the office halls until you sniff out a birthday/going-away/you’re so old(!!) party. There will be sandwiches! There will be soda! There will be cake! There will be–confused stares until you find the man/woman/centaur of the hour and embrace them like a long lost slice of pizza. The others will have no choice but to accept you as your own (especially since their are plastic kinves in the room, and you are known to wield them with powerful force, hence your adorable nick-name “Knifey.” )

– If you sprinkle enough salt on that wad of rubber bands, it actually tastes just like the chicken you cook at home, according to Bob, who took your lunch.

– Gather some napkins together and pour packets of grape jelly on top. Voilà! Fruit salad! Also a great source of fiber, or perhaps a stomach crap that will cause you to go home early!

– Skimp. That’s right. Go into that big white domino everyone else calls a fridge and carefully scrape at the top of everyone else’s delicious, edible food. If you take a little, it will go unnoticed, just like your pride!

– And then, a favorite of mine: hot water, a tea bag and some salad dressing. Your very own V8 juice drink, and it will taste just like the real thing, because V8 is gross.

I hope you find these tips to stave off starvation helpful. But I’m still in strong support of cannibalism. Since it’s cold out I suggest eating a Nordic person (the other white meat), or Charlotte. ‘Cuz that bitch has it comin’.
Alison Burke is a writer from the Washington D.C. area, and has been a past Defenestration contributor. She enjoys cake and male models. She wishes her life was more like a Baby Bash video — save she would be the douche wearing a sideways cap as bikini-clad men grooved comedically for her viewing pleasure.

Tags: ,

Comments are closed.