“A Modern Home Owner’s Guide,” by Lunabella Mrozik Gawler

Feb 9th, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose


An important part of any home owner’s life, once having slaved away to obtain a four walled domain, is of course to then leave in search of relaxation.

There is of course much for homeowner’s to be concerned about in their absence. Luckily with preparation one can avoid concerns such as infestations of the larger breed of flying Squa or the unfortunate effects of Cannibal Jam-Rot on unattended wooden floorboards, simply by appointing a house sitter.

Choosing the appropriate character to occupy your domain in your absence is an extremely tricky and exceptionally important part of the process.

The most important thing is that the selection process you choose is best suited to you and your personality. Some popular methods* for sorting the reliable from the down right unusual are:

  • Interviews
  • Dance competitions
  • Finger painting exercises
  • Ritual slaughter

We at Home Owners Guide suggest broadening the selection criteria to include hobbies you yourself are inclined towards, to encourage the selection of a like minded person.  For example those who enjoy earwax or herring sculpture could include a brief workshop in the interview process. Or those for whom caterpillar scrap booking speaks could encourage interviewees to forage in local woodlands for specimens prior to the meet and greet.

We also suggest remaining within ones own species when searching for a potential house sitter. This is not a speciest approach but rather to protect you and your home from any unfortunate cultural misunderstandings.  More than ten years after the 2066 Red Sky Referendum and having recently elected our first Snarfi, there is still a real risk of things becoming lost in translation. 

Mary Housen of West Chester recently wrote 

Dear Home Owner’s Guide, 

Following a recent jaunt to the 4th moon of Trellat Quandron 12 with my husband for our six-year anniversary, we returned to find our beautiful house in disarray. Having employed a house sitter, a Boortrot B2, for the duration of the holiday we returned to found our address now resides simultaneously within ours, and sixteen other dimensions. Although this has the benefit of extra storage space, this has made life extremely difficult on a daily basis. Simple tasks such as eating breakfast have become tricky as one never knows which dimension one is pouring one’s cereal into, let alone where the bowl is.  I understand that the multi dimensional existence is natural to the Boortrot B2.The family whom cared for our house were lovely and we were unaware that the dimensional nature of our home was a matter that needed discussion before our departure. How do I politely ask for things to be returned to normal without offending?” 

Of course if you are still inclined towards interspecial house sitting we offer the following suggestions. 

  • Do not be misled by the pleasant appearance of your house sitter. Keep in mind at all times that they will have a different culture and behavioural practices.  
  • Always make sure you become familiar with your house sitters species. We recommend www.whatareyou.com for up to date information. 
  • You should carefully consider your personal requirements and expectations, making sure to address all culturally relevant points prior to departure. For example Greebles are excellent authors, athletes and conversationalists and would in some cases make reasonable house sitting candidates. However, being of the rock pool planet Sreetik X4D7 their diet primarily consists of small fish. This places your gold fish and other aquatic pets in extreme danger 
  • It is your responsibility as the homeowner to establish agreement upon your criteria recorded in an appropriate contract. A written contract is popular amongst humans however dance, song or furniture juggling maybe more suitable depending on the origin of your sitter. 

With a well-planned approach to house sitting you, dear reader, can ensure a relaxing trip away from the constraints of domestic bliss without the concern for the well being of your pets and possessions. 

*As voted by internal poll. 


Lunabella Mrozik Gawler lives amongst the demons, dreams and mothballs under your bed. She enjoys picnics, spider webs and large scale man hunts. She cannot eat candy canes at Christmas due to a gluten intolerance and hates everyone who can. She has written before and threatens to do so again unless gluten free candy canes are provided promptly and en masse.


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