“Your Upcoming Album Demystified,” by Tim Cushing

Jan 12th, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

1. Hard rockin’ statement of intent
2. Slightly less rockin’ followup
3. Style/tempo shift to inform fans/critics that you aren’t a one-trick pony
4. Get back on your one-trick pony
5. Mid-tempo ballad/mini-epic (depending on available space)

6. Light rocker/mid-tempo ballad
7. Another ride on the one-trick pony
8. Sincere rockin’ cover/insincere “rockin'” cover
9. Mid-tempo rocker (cooldown period)
10. Full-on epic/Throwaway stylistic shift (depending on available space)

11. Slightly-off rocker
12. Alternate take of track 2, 4 or 7
13. Ironic cover/stylistic experiment
14. Something the drummer wrote
15. Grating experimental track/throwaway “joke” track

TRACKS 95-99
(Reserved for de riguer “hidden track(s),” comprising of [choose any two]:
– Grating experimental track
– Ironic cover
– Shitty demo
– Throwaway joke track
– Something the bass player/lead singer’s S.O. wrote
– “Hilarious” voicemail/studio banter

(A chance for your fans to pick up only the good track[s] from your LP. Crank out a lot of these and make it up in volume.)

(Usually track 1, but occasionally track 3, 7 or 8.)
1. Radio Edit
2. Album Version
3. “Club Mix” with lazy 4/4 beat attached
4. Demo version/non-album track that should have remained in the archives

(Usually track 2, 3 or 7. Very rarely 9. Never track 10 or beyond.)
1. Radio Edit
2. Album Version
3. “Club Mix” with lazy 4/4 beat/guest singer attached
4. “Dub Mix” with terrible lyrics excised and lazy 4/4 beat attached
5. Short throwaway track/truncated but lousy ironic/sincere cover

(Still going?)
1. Album Version
2. Extended US/UK Version (depending on native country)
(Note lack of “Radio Edit.” At this point radio will have moved on, along with most of your fans. This will leave you with obsessive completists, so feel free to fuck around.)
3. Shitty live version of current single/leadoff single
4. Shitty (and lazy) remix by drummer/bass player/lead singer’s S.O.
5. Complete abortion/severe style shift/irritating tape loop experimentation

1. Straight up rocker
2. Mid-tempo ballad
3. Alternate version of title track
4. Failed stylistic shift
5. Spectacularly bad Velvet Underground cover

(Consisting of [choose one of the following]):
1. Your album played in its entirety with no noticeable differences, other than sounding slightly shittier.
2. Ten songs from your catalog, heavily weighted towards your latest album, with older singles thrown in for a bump in sales.
3. Tour diary/concert “film” which provides tons of anecdotal evidence as to why you consider yourselves to be more of a “studio band.”


Raised on the works of Douglas Adams and P.J. O’Rourke, and classically trained in the fine art of wordsmithery, Tim Cushinghas carved himself out an incredibly small niche as a self-publishing blogger, flying free from the constraints of editorial oversight or acompetent spellchecker. In addition to his appearances in/at Defenestration, Tim’s writing has also appeared (very) periodically at The Big Jewel, prompting many to view these as some sort of illusion, possibly related to climate/dosage change. Visit him at his blog: www.capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com

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