“….Say the Darndest Things; Pitch.” by Scott Oglesby

Jan 5th, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear CBS:

You’re probably wondering why there are numerous dots instead of a noun at the beginning of the title. It’s because I couldn’t think of a catchy, yet comprehensive name for this. I was originally going to call it ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things, Still’ but the world has apparently changed. It seems a middle aged man with a tape recorder and a camera can’t just ‘borrow’ children off the street without all sorts of kerfuffle and pepper spray. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have tried to use that van for interviewing the tots. America, sadly, has lost its innocence.

I then thought about calling this project ‘Fundies Say the Darndest Things’ and interviewing religious zealots but I learned that had surprisingly already been done, at least with a website and in a cut and paste kind of way. Normally plagiarism or copyright infringement wouldn’t faze me but there was also the matter of a restraining order and the fact that those Jesus people were armed to teeth. After being escorted out of the mega-church by two AK-47 wielding ushers, I had what I thought was going to be my million dollar idea; I was going to call my (our!) new show ‘Dead People Say the Darndest Things.’ In preparation, I bought a Ouija board, invited Dean and Billy over and smoked some weed, but we were unable to coax the spirits of the deceased to break their maddening silence. At one point our hands glided to spell the word Funions but that was probably mostly Billy. Billy is overweight and big on the junk food after he’s been smoking.  

Finally, the idea came to me (just not the name). What if we interviewed people of different age groups, ethnicities, genders, religions and ideologies in an effort to get them to say some ‘Darndest Things?!’ What will make this such a powerful show will be the breaking down of stereotypes and preconceived notions that we have about each other in society….and people will probably say just the Darndest Things! Are you feeling this yet? 

I’ve taken the liberty of including the transcripts from my groundbreaking, initial interviews. 


Environmentally Friendly Shoppers Say the Darndest Things- When asked the question, “Paper or Plastic?”

Tom– Haha, not sure really. They keep changing it, don’t they? Now I hear those reusable bags will give you the Salmonella. You should ask my wife.

Dana– Plastic, because then we use them in the small garbage cans at home. Also they’re great for picking up dog poop in the yard. Am I going to be on TV? 

Keith– Is this a survey? 


Alcoholics Say the Darndest Things – Question, “When did you first realize that you had a problem?”

George – I don’t have a problem, this is a Diet Sprite.

Brett – After I got my second DUI, which also involved a vehicular manslaughter charge. This was also around the time period when I switched from bourbon to vodka.

George– Damn Brett. 


Hipsters Say the Darndest Things – Question, “How much did you pay for that t-shirt.”

Sefano- $80, why?

Brandon– This isn’t a t-shirt, it’s an Ed Hardy original, bro.

Frank- $7.50. Oh, you thought I was a hipster. No, I’m just poor. Sorry.

Brandon– Besides, money means nothing to me. I’m so over materialism bro. 


Plumbers Say the Darndest Things – Question, “Why won’t my toilet stop flushing?”

Steve from Steve’s Plumbing – You have a bad flapper valve.

Kevin from a national plumbing chain – I don’t know, I’ll have to call my manager. Do you mind if I use your phone?

Steve– You priced a flapper valve replacement?

Me– Sorry, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting ripped off.

Steve- I’ve been your plumber for years. That was kind of a dick move. 


Beautiful Women Say the Darndest Things – Question, “What would you say if a hot guy confidently strode up to you on the street with a new slider phone camera promising to make you famous?”

Amy- Famous how? I’m not doing porn. 

Unidentified MILF in her late 20’s– Fuck off before I tase you.

Jamie- I’d ask who told you that you were hot. They lied.

Hannah- Is this True Beauty?  


People in the Bar I Have Dart League At On Friday Night Say the Darndest Things – Question, “Do you believe that due to the polarization of the major news outlets, the vast majority of lower and middle class, undereducated whites in this country are becoming symptomatic of the Dunning-Kruger Effect whereas they are so willfully ignorant that they believe themselves intelligent?”

Bill- Two words; Sarah Palin  

David – Do you mean like how the Islamic terrorists are taking over in Oklahoma or how the Mexican immigrants are destroying the fabric of our constitution or how Christians are being persecuted by Sharia Lawyering activist judges? They’ll never take my gun or my wife! Yes. Wait, what?”

Stefanie –No. Are you with The Daily Show?


Remember this is only a small sample. I’ve been able to keep the production costs low as well by using my friend Dean’s new slider phone for all recording thus far. I realize that I’m new to ‘the biz’ so I’m willing to settle for a small signing bonus and a 3 year contract. 

Please get back to me ASAP. I wouldn’t want NBC or Fox to get their grubby hands on this. 

Groundbreaking Show Creator,

Scott Oglesby


Scott Oglesby lives in Southern Spain with his wife, large cat, large dog, and tiny, tiny, almost rat-like dog, and is trying desperately to hold on to his shiny, overpriced dreams. His life is pretty much all smoke, mirrors and subterfuge. 

He authors a semi successful (as long as your definition of success doesn’t have anything to do with earning money or actual success) blog at http://zodiblog.wordpress.com/ and is inappropriately proud of this minor accomplishment. You can also find him on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=799494719 if you happen to be into that sort of thing.


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