“The Previously Lost, but Recently Found Teachings of Republican Jesus,” by Scott Oglesby

Dec 8th, 2010 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Leave the Dead to bury their own dead. For they have not the money to afford a resplendent funeral.

If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn and get your handgun. If this culminates in you inflicting a mortal wound, you will be innocent in the eyes of God and in the eyes of the law. I mean, who are they going to believe, a gentile deadbeat, or you, a fine, upstanding businessman who was acting purely in self defense? 

What shall it profit a man if he earns substantial gains as the result of some well played short sells but loses an extraordinary percentage to capital gains tax? 

Let him who hides his sin the behind the most vitriolic rhetoric cast the first stone. And put thou shoulder into it. 

Pander and it will be given to you, lobby and you will find, bribe and a door will be opened to you. Just ask for JC. 

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Dick Cheney’s Clubhouse Restaurant and receive both perfect service and an exquisitely prepared Golden Retriever Puppy Brain Carpaccio. 

For God so loved the world that he gave Ronald Reagan and trickle down economic policy. 

Beware of the scholars who like to wear long robes, and to receive salutations in the marketplace. They are either East Coast elitists or hippy scum. I say unto you that they are one of those two repugnant and repulsive things. 

You cannot serve both God and mercy. 

No one can be the slave of two masters. We will, however, strongly consider bringing back indentured servitude when we regain the Supreme Court. 

Give to Caesar’s Palace what belongs to Caesar’s Palace but hide your assets from your second wife’s divorce attorney. 

Blessed are those who are even now forging lifelong friendships in Ivy League secret societies, for you will be laughing. 

For those who have little, even what you have will be taken. You should have made better life decisions, scumbag. 

Do you think that I came to bring peace on earth? No, I did not. Because of me oil producing nation will be pitted against oil producing nation and fathe…. Actually that’s pretty much it. As long as you don’t have petroleum or attack us first you should be fine. Unless you have something else we decide is valuable, but no, you should be fine, really.  

If you have an excess of monetary wealth, don’t lend it at interest. Lend it at exorbitantly high interest. I’m talking about interest so motherfucking high that they should call it the vig. 

When you engage in creative accounting don’t allow your left hand to know what your right hand is doing. 

There is nothing covered up that will not be uncovered, nothing hidden that will not be made known now that we have subpoena power in the House.   

If your son asks you for a loaf of bread would you give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish would you give him a snake? I mean, unless your son got addicted to coke and embezzled over 75k from the company coffers and then, even after you bailed him out of jail for killing that prostitute and got him into an exclusive Palm Springs rehab, he still made a deal with the FBI and agreed to testify against his old man and so you had to teach the little fucker a lesson. Then you would surely give him a stone, even the infamous Pharisean exploding stone. Or the fish/snake thing. Maybe you could tell him that you brought him a basket of nice fish but then, when he removed the lid, it would be filled with vipers. I don’t have kids personally; I’m just throwing suggestions out here.


Scott Oglesby lives in Southern Spain with his wife, large cat, large dog, and tiny, tiny, almost rat-like dog, and is trying desperately to hold on to his shiny, overpriced dreams. His life is pretty much all smoke, mirrors and subterfuge. 

He authors a semi successful (as long as your definition of success doesn’t have anything to do with earning money or actual success) blog at http://zodiblog.wordpress.com/ and is inappropriately proud of this minor accomplishment. You can also find him on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=799494719 if you happen to be into that sort of thing.

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