“Wall Street Traders Having Difficulty Predicting, Understanding Dao Jones,” by David Snyder

Jul 14th, 2010 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

NEW YORK–The stock market continues to experience huge daily swings as traders remain unable to predict or understand the Dao Jones, analysts reported Tuesday.

“It’s extremely perplexing,” said JPMorgan Senior Analyst Roger Newman. “Every time we feel like we have a good grasp of what the Dao Jones really is, it turns out that we really don’t know it at all. Quite frankly, I’m not even certain we’ve correctly named it.”

Despite the confusion experienced by most traders, one analyst, Lou Zu, has thrived on the current market conditions. When asked for the secret behind his success, he informed reporters, “Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear.” Before he could be pressed to explain his comments, he disappeared to the West atop a water buffalo.


David Snyder is a graduate student at Emerson College in Boston. His work has appeared in Coal City Review and Meeting House. When not writing humor, he seeks out the most godawful movies Netflix has to offer.

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