Turning Tricks with Report Writing

Feb 4th, 2010 | By | Category: Columns

I’m a consultant – that means that I was hired by an organization to do a job that the organization hired their own inept worker to do, but when they realized their worker was too lazy to do it, they just shelled out more money to a third party and BAM!  Here I is….

One might ask, what makes me a skilled artisan of all the fine arts of business?  Long answer: fill in your own lie; short answer: Google.  I don’t actually posses any of the skill sets or competencies that my project suggests, but I do have the amazing ability to type “what the fuck are performance metrics?” into the Google query box and find some passable answers.  I then cut and paste the Googled information and with a little clever wordsmith-ing, thanks to the thesaurus on dictionary.com, turn in what appears to be an almost intelligent piece of work compiled into a report that looks so huge and menacing that no one questions it, or reads it, and thus, I have done my job successfully.

Behold! The consultant at his/her finest:


The upcoming merger, necessitated by a volatile marketplace and brand position ceilings within our demographic, promises to open new business horizons. By combining the mobile-market saturation of JunoCorp with MegaInc’s own cutting-edge advertising focus, we will be able to optimally leverage our synergy. Extrapolating from the most recent round of performance metrics, MegaCorp will be a paradigm changer.


Juno knew that this tension and maneuvering couldn’t last; sooner or later their passion was going to burst sky-high. He was everywhere she was, as if he knew her better than her own self, and no matter how often she tried to cut him with her witch-blade, she knew all she wanted was to be ravaged. Based on the way he had kissed her just now, Juno knew that she was about to have the merger of a lifetime.

There you have it. A sultry report any CEO would salivate over.  I’m pretty sure that this means I can do any job without proper training, and seeing as that I am short on cash this week, I might do a few freelance discount kidney transplants – with the help of Google, that is.


Alison Burke is a writer from the Washington D.C. area, and has been a past Defenestration contributor. She enjoys cake and male models. She wishes her life was more like a Baby Bash video — save she would be the douche wearing a sideways cap as bikini-clad men grooved comedically for her viewing pleasure.

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