“Making the Sale,” by Richard Turck

Feb 10th, 2010 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

If you’re in any kind of sales profession, being able to sell is probably one of the most important aspects of your job. You need to take an object, any object, and force the customer into believing they need it. If they came into an electronics store thinking, “I could use a couple of D batteries,” I have to make sure they leave thinking, “Yes, I probably would have died without this programmable bionic android.” A large part of being a good salesman is the ability to scare people into buying robots.

Before I can convince someone to buy a robot, however, I first have to make sure I’m dressed appropriately. I need to look like a person who knows what they’re talking about. That’s why I wear four or more ties around my neck, and one around my forehead. Now I look like a real professional who takes their job seriously.

Once I am able to convince people that I’m serious, it’s time to practice my sales pitch. To make sure I’m ready to deal with real customers, I usually try selling a product to myself first. If I can’t even persuade myself to buy it, then how will I persuade anyone else? This can take quite some time, but after a few tries and a little coaxing, I would almost always buy anything I’m selling.

After I have my sales pitch down, I have to lure customers into my store. So I simply hang a sign above the front door that says, “Buy 1 get 5 free!” This is sure to get attention. But, since I can’t really afford that kind of sale, when people come in I’ll just tell them it’s more of a “Buy 1 and you can buy 5 more” deal.

Once I’ve honed my advertising tactics, it’s time to sell as many products as possible by pushing add-ons. If they’re buying a television remote, for instance, I can tell them it won’t work without batteries. If they’re buying an extension cord, I can tell them it won’t work without a washing machine. And if they’re buying a washing machine, I can tell them it won’t work without a certified-authentic Eli Whitney Cotton Gin.

So there you have it, how I make a sale. And sure, every now and then someone will come in asking why I told them they needed a home entertainment system to operate their mouse pad, but I just tell them it’s none of their business. Then I convince them to buy a robot.


Richard Turck is a 28-year old moron. In other news, he is currently unemployed and applying to every job he finds in a failed attempt to make a living. He enjoys spending his spare time.

Tags: ,

Comments are closed.