“An ‘E-mail’ from the Amish,” by Jimmy Chen

Apr 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Prose

Hello, people of the  ’internet!’ We are completely blown away here; had no idea how many  ’e-mails’ were in our  ’inbox.’ 928,391. That is just crazy! Our Commissioner of Contemporary Culture informed us that someone had created a  ’hotmail account’ for us in 1999. That’s ages ago! That’s when we were still churning our own butter by hand (now we use a horse shoe).

Hey listen, sorry about not getting back to you. It just took us three weeks to type this so far. Our  ’secretary,’ who is busy with eight children, can only  ’type’ in the murky diminishing rays of dusk’s light before it gets pitch black. Like right now, as she’s transcribing this, she has her face so close to the  ’keyboard’ that her     nose   ke eps tou chin g the spa ce     bar. Really anno ying!

So anyways, we are completely awe of  ’h t t p colon forward-slash forward-slash double-u double-u double-u youtube dot com,’ or  ’youtube.’  ’We tube’ it all day. You’d be surprised at how much the searches for “buggies caught on tape,” “separation from the world,” and “second-cousin makeover” yield. And Metallica. They  ’rock!’

So far, we have checked five messages in our  ’inbox,’ and responded to one. A Harvey Chester of Los Angeles wrote: “get a clue asswipes.” He didn’t capitalize the first letter of the sentence! Harvey (we just figured this out too), you have to press the  ’shift key’ in order to  ’type’ a capital letter. But try to use the  ’caps lock’ button sparingly; it freaks out the horse. Really. I mean, REALLY.

Okay, I’m back from the  ’hospital.’ We had to put the horse down. It’s been two years since we started this  ’e-mail.’ Now our  ’inbox’ is 1,282,053. The internet is on fire! Electric!

It’s winter again. Since  ’typing’ this (with the whisk generators and all), our crops have been completely neglected. But the lemon meringue pies are out of this world, and by world we mean  ’2009.’ Thank you for your patience. That is all.

Ride the lightning!!!

Where’s the  ’send’ button? Oh there…no, no don’t  ’type’ this. I’m just talking to you now, not the non-repenters. Hit  ’backspace,’ come on. Hit it. Ok, whatever.


Jimmy is the author of his undoing. His humorous pieces have been inside two women.

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