Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before by E.K. Mortenson

Oct 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Poetry

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Mullah are on an airplane. Suddenly, the pilot

comes over the intercom to say

that they have to make a crash landing and that it doesn’t look good.

As the plane begins a steep dive,

each of the three holy men gather their respective believers together

on the plane to pray for a safe landing.

Miraculously, the plane levels out and after some bumps, skids to safety

at the end of the runway.

When each of the passengers has been helped off the plane, each is told

that it is necessary to write

a brief statement of the event for the airline. They are escorted to a room in a hangar

and given a form and a pen.

Each of the three religious figures receives his form, sits down to write his version,

but sees, instead, a questionnaire:

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve

your needs, He asks

that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses

will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose

your name or address

unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth

__Near Death Experience

__ Bible __ Torah __ Koran__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using

any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Horoscope

__ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Self-help books __ Sex

__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs

__ Mantras __ Insurance policies __Other:_________________________ __ None

3. God employs a limited

degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence

and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine

Intervention is just right d. Don’t know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5

his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments

or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach an additional sheet

if necessary).

Thanks so much for filling out the survey. Your participation will be taken into account

when you apply for membership to Heaven.

E.K. Mortenson taints the minds of America’s youth by working as a high school edutainer. He has tried paying the bills with the poetry he writes, but, to date, his work is not being accepted as legal tender. As such, his power and water have been turned off. He wrote this on a friend’s computer who still has a cable modem. Until foreclosure, he lives in a very nice house, with his really nice son, and exceptionally nice wife. They also have two pretty nice cats. He might put them in commercials. The cats, not his wife and son.

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