“Biting The Bullet”, by Remington Waters

Oct 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

Get up and go. Now? Yes now. Put on some pants and fly out that door. DO NOT under any circumstance stop to talk to Mrs. Butters. She is a modern day vampire. Those dentures are not for show. They are spring-loaded for ease of biting. When she opens her mouth, she feeds off the time she wastes of others.

One two, one two, keep those legs going. Take long strides. For every baby-step you take, believe in fact your foot is crushing a baby – a cute one with blue eyes and curls.

Jam your arm into the elevator; do not let them go without you. If you accidentally punch someone, maybe they shouldn’t have had their face there.

When you get to the ground floor, make sure no one gets out before you. People like to push and shove to get out first because they are impatient. You don’t have time for those jerks.

Zip out the revolving door and either find a cabbie with a treadmill built into the backseat or start running. Letting your adrenaline fade now will only leave you weak and defenseless.

You’ve sprinted five city blocks and need a pick-me-up. Pull into the nearest Starbucks drive-thru. Start making “vroom vroom” sounds. The cashier will only believe you if you put enough feeling into it. Ask yourself, “Do I feel like a car?” If the answer is no, you’re not putting enough feeling into it.

Pay the cashier with either a credit card or barrage her with a fist full of quarters. Either way, take your coffee and pop off the top. Unhinge your jaw and chug it down. The reason it is scalding is so you can tell its working.

Charge into the pet shelter and adopt all the cats on death row. You’re giving back to animals that instinctively claw your face. Hurl them into the red sack in the corner and sling it over your shoulder. If anyone asks, you’re Cat Santa.

Chuck your merry bag in front of a speeding semi. Yes, there should be a satisfying squish. Grab the bag now and scramble over to your job at Animal Control. Pop the bloodied bag on your boss’s desk and fulfill your road kill quota for the day.

Run back home. Your wife should still be in bed. Give her a quicky. In fact, you should be so fast that even you are surprised. Inform her that she is now pregnant. If the baby does not fully gestate in three months, suggest an abortion. You will have no slackers in your family.

The only known picture of Remington circulating the web is that of him trying to swallow a hamster whole (a feat he accomplished with much zeal). Since then, Remington has moved up the food chain and plans to name his future Welsh Corgis Hamster (calling it Hamster will help with digestion). Currently Remington resides in the little part of your brain that took A Modest Proposal seriously, if only for a second.

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