Money should be used for useful things: pants-less man servants, spinning rims, and perhaps a gold and diamond encrusted pizza. Money therefore should not be applied to bone-crushing soul-crunching Caribbean medical school debt.

When I first received my beginning payment for my loan, I immediately thought, “I’m going to have to start to hook every night of the week.” Perhaps educating myself to become a better person was a bad idea: I should have instead started killing for money or at least learned how to remove kidneys and sell them on the black market. Alas, the course was not offered at my medical school.

Retrospectively everything is always 20/20, which has me wondering, “Why is it when I borrow $20,000 I now owe $40,000? And consequently does Sallie Mae break legs?” If so, I wish I had stayed on long enough to at least incur enough debt to learn how to set my own fractures.

In the end, this is just another example of how higher education lends to lending companies becoming the dark overlords of our future endeavors. So the next time someone asks you if they can borrow five dollars, ask for their kidney in return. I guarantee you’ll get your money’s worth.

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Alison Burke was formerly a jewel thief in Seattle that the newspapers called The Blonde Magpie. She has since renounced the criminal lifestyle of her past and started a new career as a writer. Alison has dyed her hair a pleasant auburn color and no longer lusts after shiny objects behind glass, except when given written permission.