“New Jersey Slogans,” by Alison Burke

May 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Columns, Prose

Coming to a Tourism Ad Near You!

1. New Jersey: Finally a state that looks up to West Virginia.

2. New Jersey: Home of the famous wife beaters and beaten wives.

3. New Jersey: The skid mark in America’s underpants.

4. New Jersey: Because A**hole was deemed inappropriate.

5. New Jersey: Best described by Tony Soprano: “F%&k!”.

6. New Jersey: Making accents from Kentucky sound sexy since 1880.

7. New Jersey: Where coffee is spelled with a “w.”

8. New Jersey: Where wine is only sold in boxes.

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Alison Burke grew up in the whack ass ghettos of Fairfax County. She was temporarily blinded by the mace of a metro cop, while trying to join the Bloodz by eating a doughnut on the platform where she waited for the train. Currently, her muse is a naked man in a trench coat living inside her brain who waits for the most imperfect times to expose himself to the world. At this very moment, she is living in her parents’ house but hopes to one day make the big move into their basement, like a real adult.

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