“Harry Potter Writes a Series of Strongly Worded Letters to His Neighbors That Indicate He Misses Fighting Dark Wizards,” by John Frank Weaver

Apr 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

Dear Mr. Smith,

I have asked you on numerous occasions to cut the branch on your tree that hangs over onto my property. These have been very reasonable requests and your refusal to comply is indicative of very Dark Magic at play. I believe you are under the control of a dark wizard who has cast an Imperius Curse on you. As such, I will have to stupefy you should the branch still be in place by the end of the week. I assure you that you will thank me. You never appreciate your body so much as when someone else has possessed it to plunge property lines into anarchy.

Regards,

Harry Potter

*****

Dear Mrs. Markum,

This weekend you hosted a party at your house, which looked very nice although Ginny and I were not invited. However, your guests parked up and down the street, on both sides, making it extremely difficult to drive to the grocery store for our weekly food shopping trip. As a result, I had to cast reducio on the lot of them just to get around. Unfortunately, I was very busy and never got around to using engorgio to bring them back to their normal size. I apologize for rendering your friends’ cars unusable as automobiles, but I hear roller skating is becoming quite popular again, so perhaps the cars can be recycled as those. In the future, though, you may avoid this problem by not terrorizing the street with a horde of cars.

Regards,

Harry Potter

*****

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I never got around to welcoming you to the neighborhood, but Ginny and I were very glad that the new mailman lived so close. We thought it would be wonderful to have a mailman who knew everyone in the neighborhood and who wouldn’t deliver mail mistakenly. Sadly, this past week you seem to have confused our home with the Coopers across the street, as we received their phone bill. Such villainy will not stand! This is the type of service we were hoping to avoid by having a neighbor working for the post office. I recommend you learn who your neighbors are, Mr. Taylor, or else I will be forced to save our cul-de-sac by performing the Cruciatus Curse and inflicting great pain on your person. I think a little discomfort will be very effective as on-the-job training. As Merlin once said, “Wizards of ability demand service.” Consider this a friendly head’s up.

Regards,

Harry Potter

*****

Dear Ms. Townsend,

Yesterday I caught your dog relieving himself on my yard, the sixth time this month that this has happened. Clearly, this is indicative of a lair of giant spiders living underneath your home, as your dog is too afraid to crap on your property. Never fear, for I have burned down your house with Fiendfyre, almost assuredly destroying the giant arachnids at the same time. Please do not worry about thanking me. Knowing that I have rid the world of evil – and my yard of your pooping puppy – is all the reward I need.

Regards,

Harry Potter

————

Because John Frank Weaver could not stop for Death, Death kindly stopped for a bathroom break.

Tags: , , ,

Comments are closed.