“The 5 Most Common Obstacles You’ll Encounter When Transporting Nitroglycerin Across the South American Rainforest (and How to Handle Them): A Field Guide,” by Tyler Austin and Patrick Eme

Mar 14th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

1. Exploding Cargo: This ought to be your biggest concern, as the slightest vibration could lead to you being devoured in a hellish inferno. This is both frequently fatal and deeply inconvenient. Do your best to avoid earthquakes, testing your truck’s non-street legal subwoofer that you’re buddy from high school’s older cousin, Cole, who got expelled for almost stabbing a teacher, hooked you up with because things are a “little hot right now, plus, like, you’ll need a sweet system in the Amazon, bro,” and/or sneezing.

2. Rope Bridges: So many more than you’re expecting. And if you’re expecting “a lot” that’s still not enough. I swear, one of the routes takes you over one rope bridge then right back over the same bridge. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps, it’s a physical manifestation of an internal existential crisis of how fate’s fickle finger points you through destiny’s door, where the whims of… C’mon, just drive with caution is what I’m saying.

3. Venomous Snakes: Ewww… Gross. Machete their heads off, or clap real loud, or something. I’m not a herpetologist, and I’ve never claimed to be.

4. Government Coup: Political systems change like a girl changes clothes. Not sexist, I’m just firmly Team Katy. Be it a fascist oligarchy instigated by a long in hiding Nazi war criminal, expatriate Mafiosi looking to exploit the local populace, or even your more run of the mill CIA funded military junta, we recommend you adopt a “When in Rome attitude…” to whomever is sitting in the local seat of power. Otherwise, it’ll be “swish, swish, bish” for you.

5. Tangerine Dream: You might think to yourself, “I kinda like ‘Tangerine Dream.’” No, no you don’t. Who’re you trying to impress? Oh, Hilda that fräulein you met in a hostel outside Cologne while you were backpacking across Europe during your gap year. She didn’t even like it. Her ex-beau, Matthias, put it on that mix, and she was never bothered enough to skip it. The Moog synthesizer is a not a listenable instrument. It’s dreadful, as in it causes dread in the hearts of our drivers. Warning: Do not mistake Tangerine Dream for Popol Vuh. If you hear the ethereal tones of progressive/Krautrock band Popol Vuh, make peace with your maker, as you will not be returning home for they are the true wrath of God. Who else is with me?


Tyler Austin and Patrick Eme met at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, where they continue to reside for some reason. Their work has appeared on The Higgs Weldon and in the trash folders of mid-tier Hollywood executives’ email accounts.

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