THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THIS STORY. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.
ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS OF USE
By reading these Terms of Use for This Story, you agree to them. Reading includes but is not limited to glancing, stumbling upon, hearing about them from someone else, or imagining a concept similar to them. The lack of ability to understand or comprehend English does not exempt you from agreeing to these terms.
IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS OF USE, IMMEDIATELY STOP READING THEM AND CEASE USE OF THIS STORY. THEN TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO THE PRECISE MOMENT BEFORE YOU READ AND THEREFORE AGREED TO THESE TERMS.
USER CONTENT
During the course of your use of This Story, you may have thoughts about This Story, or make comments about This Story, whether in writing or speech. You agree that any such user-created content related to This Story is wholly the property of This Story. This Story may license your thoughts and comments to third parties in order to market products This Story determines relevant to you and others. You acknowledge that you relinquish all financial interests in your thoughts and comments, and you further acknowledge that you are happy for This Story and its third party partners since at least someone’s going to make money off of them.
PRIVACY
You do not have any.
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
You agree that your use of This Story entails risk, including but not limited to death, permanent disability, dismemberment, social ostracism, and feelings of powerlessness or worthlessness. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THIS STORY IS REMINDING YOU IN CAPITAL LETTERS THAT YOU COULD DIE BY USING THIS STORY.
LIMITATION OF LIABILITY
In no event shall This Story be liable for anything, related or unrelated, to This Story.
INDEMNIFICATION
You agree to defend and indemnify This Story from and against all claims and expenses in connection with use of This Story. Defense includes but is not limited to the legal sense; This Story may obligate you to pick up a gun and fight for This Story or its third party partners.
LAW AND JURISDICTION
Any disputes in connection with these Terms of Use shall be governed by the laws of the courtroom of Judge Mathis.
DISPUTE RESOLUTION
You and This Story agree that Judge Mathis will resolve any dispute or claim in connection with these Terms of Use in favor of This Story.
SEVERABILITY
If, somehow, any of these terms are ruled to be unenforceable by an activist court or job-killing legislation, the rest of these Terms of Use remain in full effect. You are then obligated by This Story to actively campaign against the elected official responsible for the offending ruling or law, or, in non-election years, post two tweets a day attacking their physical appearance.
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Steven Berger is a speculative fiction writer who occasionally veers into humor. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Find him on Twitter @steber.