Red: Red sighs very deeply. “Ugh, don’t even get me started on her,” says red, before changing the subject.
Yellow: Yellow always tilts its head and goes, “Aww, he’s not such a bad guy, once you get to know him.”
Orange: It’s not so much what orange says about you as the way that orange says it.
Green: Tells a funny story from college. Reflects that it’s been an awfully long time since college. “Good times,” it adds, shaking its head.
Brown: Speaks with admiration about how much it liked your music, wishing it knew why with all that potential you’re still stuck in that sales job.
Blue: Comments on your recent weight loss. Implies that you looked better with curves. Outright states that it likes a heftier lady.
Purple: Takes credit for your work around the office. Landing the Garfinkle account? That was all purple.
Pink: “She’s nice,” pink says. “I like her a lot.” Pink has no idea who you are.
Indigo: Wonders out loud why it never worked out with you and Diane.
Magenta: “Oh, him,” magenta says. “He’s a character.” Magenta declines to elaborate.
Turquoise: In hindsight, probably has you confused with someone else.
Gold: Makes the conversation about it instead.
Adam Bertocci is a writer, filmmaker and humorist, best-known for the surprisingly educational mashup “Two Gentlemen of Lebowski”. His Web site, Twitter and favorite word are, respectively, www.adambertocci.com, @AdamBertocci, and discombobulated.