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They shared a moment, but he still got the half with the most cranberries. I said, “You know how good friends can just sit and say nothing,” and she said, “Shut up.” He said the medicine “dissipated tumors beyond belief,” and I hope he’s right, because I don’t believe him. After she started watching zombie movies, she made me take a cold shower before we had sex.

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She’s always fifteen minutes early—and then he says he doesn’t really feel comfortable in a place until after three years. He doesn’t build forts anymore, but he still makes a toilet paper nest when he uses a public restroom.

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Do it yourself fractals: you eat corn on the cob and corn rubble gets stuck between your teeth and when you smile your mouth looks like a cob of corn. Thanks to global warming, I can give her dirty looks and not have to worry about my face freezing like that. We grew up thinking the joke, “I know how to spell ‘banana’—ba-na-na-na-na—but I don’t know when to stop” was hilarious, and now we work in genetic engineering.

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Dear Ezra Pound: 2014: Huey Lewis and the News are touring again. I won second prize in the dullness contest, so I had two reasons to celebrate.

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Mark Cunningham received an MFA from the University of Virginia a while back. His latest book is Helicotremors (Otoliths). 71 Leaves, an e-book from BlazeVOX, is free to anyone curious enough to Google it.