They Watch You While You’re Sleeping

Feb 27th, 2014 | By | Category: Chris: Encyclopedia Douchebag... ica, Columns

Most, if not all of us grew up believing in mythical beings who rewarded good lil’ girls and boys with various presents and treats on special nights. Losing one’s tooth was cause for celebration as it meant you were getting serious cash that night.

All of these childhood heroes made everything special, and dictated how we behaved in our everyday lives. If you acted like a little shit every day, Merry Ol’ Saint Nick would be leaving you coal, or your parents a switch. If you received that awesome Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sewer playset (with the working elevator), you knew you were exonerated of all charges and were granted a few days reprieve where you could just run around acting like the brat you were. Being naïve idiots, we never questioned how or why these mythical figures did what they did, let alone try and wrap our minds around the logistics of the whole shebang.

It only makes sense to start off with the rumbly tumbly himself, Santa. His entire operation is both oppressive, and invasive. First off, he “employs” tiny beings known as elves to construct the toys for all the children of the world. Oh, it’s not just one toy you’re looking at–on average it’s ten toys per kid because kids are greedy lil’ shits who feel they deserve to be rewarded for acting the way they’re supposed to act.

There are 7 billion people on Earth, take away the 5 billion for those regions that don’t want that Santa creep in their home. Of the remaining 2 billion, we’ll say 1/4th of them are children under the age of 12. That means this magical sweatshop has one year to get 5 billion toys constructed, tested, wrapped, and transported to holding areas. I sincerely doubt this labor force is being properly fed, housed, and compensated. In addition to the lack of sleep and abysmal working conditions, you’re looking at a work force that would need to be replaced every few months.

Then there’s the logistics of separating the naughty from the nice. The only way Kringle could pull off such a feat is having a vast and complex network of cameras and mics tuned to the movements of those 500 million kids. Even for the most invasive of governments, getting the infrastructure in place is a nightmare, let alone monitoring it. His delivery method is fiendishly clever, tap the new toy(s) he’s “gifting.” Kids have a habit of dragging their crap everywhere and they unwittingly subject themselves to consistent monitoring. As for the viewing and cataloging of all this information, we can only assume that the elves are forced to work double duty.

Next man on the totem pole is that cuddly Easter Bunny. I’ll do my best to avoid the hack topic of “What does a rabbit have to do with Jesus?” but I’m not making any promises. This “wascally wabbit” doesn’t give off nearly as big a creep factor as Santa, but this is a text book case of narcissism. Before Valentine’s Day is even over, you start to see Easter goodies pop up in various stores, and all of it has its face plastered all over the packaging. Everything from Cadbury to bags of fake grass, that buck-toothed smile will haunt your every step. On top of its personage appearing everywhere for a solid two months, this conceited fuzzball has even gone as far as to have its likeness crafted into various forms of chocolate, subtly telling the world “Eat me!”

As if simply seeing the rodent everywhere wasn’t enough, he then takes a turn for the “hipster” when it comes to gifts. Granted, the big guy is the Alpha and the Omega when it comes to gift giving, but with it being Spring, the rabbit could pass out gifts that promote heading outside to play: kites, skates, those hoops you push with a stick, something conducive to get the little snots outside. However, that would make too much sense, instead, he goes for eggs—EGGS. However, there’s no Easter tree or stocking for him to leave these horrible presents in, he hides them in and around your house for the little ones to find. Now, you need to hope that the ADHD every child born in the last 10 years has doesn’t prevent them from finding all the little treats in time, or else you’ll start finding rotted, gelatinous messes by July.

As bad as they are, Claus and EB at least lack the disturbing tendencies of our final contestant: The Tooth Fairy. This ghoul goes out and collects the baby teeth of young children and, in return, offers a nice, shiny sixpence. Sure it seems nice, rewarding children for every piece of their youth they leave behind on their journey to adulthood. Until you realize she’s literally collecting pieces of a child’s skull. Warm fuzzy’s gone now!

Moving past her unhealthy fetish with discarded molars, an even bigger concern is where, exactly, does she get the funds to run this little operation of hers? Is there some perverted buyer(s) out there who seek to collect children’s teeth? As unsettling as that may seem, it’s certainly better than the alternative of Ms. Fancy Pants simply counterfeiting coinage. She’s willing to destabilize the world’s economy all for the sake of fulfilling some sick fetish.

Which brings me to my final thought. All of these freak creatures operated under the cover of darkness, specifically, when the entire household was asleep. How did none of us ever acknowledge the fact that any one of them could’ve gone rogue at any moment? Get a death metal band to perform a cover of “Santa Claus is Coming to Down” or “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” and you’ve got yourself the theme to a holiday slasher film.

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