May 20th, 2013 | By | Category: Columns

I’m sure we’ve all heard the expression, “Youth is wasted on the young.” A saying that elderly folks the world over conjured up to insult us when we chose to spend our teens and twenties hanging out with friends in a cold, dank basement somewhere, contributing nothing to society and doing nothing of worth. In their defense, it’s absolutely true! I have fond memories of my early twenties staying up all night playing World of Warcraft, a game I’ve long since abandoned and got nothing of value out of. However, the elderly coined that phrase having access to something in all their years of existence that the younglings do not:  not wisdom, or experience, but money.

See, in order for the young to “live it up,” they need access to funds, it’s a simple truth. However, it’s nearly impossible for young adults to get a hold of those funds as they’re in college and as such, are still dependent upon their parents for their very survival. College is a time where you learn that ramen noodles are just as great for breakfast as they are for dinner, and that your clothes aren’t that dirty and could probably be worn another three or four times before needing a trip through the spin cycle. Oh, and for most breaks (spring excluded), you’re expected to return home, and if home long enough, find a job.

I know what you’re thinking “Chris, college doesn’t last forever, at the earliest you could be out at twenty-two!” Good point, there’s still plenty of time for you to live your twenties hard and fast…if you weren’t now swimming in college debt and forced to find a job in order to pay it off. A job, by the way, which may have nothing to do with your major. (I’m certain your liberal arts degree is going to come in handy as you process payroll information for an HR department.) The only thing a higher education taught you was how to attain massive debt. Bra-vo.

Thrust into adulthood, you now find an entry level job and start the arduous climb up the corporate ladder. Being the low-man on the totem pole, you’re expected to go above and beyond: come in on weekends, work on holidays, offer up spare organs to senior leaders in need, that sort of thing. Being an adult, some feel it’s a time to stand on his/her own two feet, find a place to live and finance all that crap that goes along with adulthood, and throughout all of this, the loan shark (aka University) is still demanding their cut. So, depending on your career, your living situation may be a tad meager as you’re forced to get more creative in the ways you prepare ramen. However, you persevere, you sacrifice, you scrimp and save, and through some miracle, you were able to pay off your student loans by the age of twenty-eight, hurrah! Unfortunately, in the time that it took you to pay off that debt, you entered into what many professionals call “a relationship”.

I’m not implying that relationships are horrible, so you can save the hate mail penned on the His & Her’s stationary you received as a wedding gift. In fact, relationships can actually help you see the world with another young soul who is in just as dire a predicament as yourself who also wishes to experience what this wonderful planet has to offer. You take vacation time, you see the world (at least the parts you can afford), all the while your relationship grows stronger. Things are going great until tragedy strikes and somebody ends up pregnant (hopefully the female). The traveling, the living life to the fullest, all of it is now on hold as you went and spawned one of your replacements. All your money and time is now devoted to this little sack of flesh that contributes zilch to the household and proves to be nothing more than a massive drain on your finances.

Congratulations, you’ve just lost (at least) eighteen years of your life. When you do take vacations, they’re to family friendly destinations that end in “World,” “Land,” or “-anage” and these trips continue ad-nauseum. Oh, and let’s add the fact that you’re now trying to save for this child’s future education in hopes to lessen the financial burden that would be placed on them as college/university costs rise higher and higher.

If you’re lucky, you’re at the advanced age of fifty-five, looking at your child sprawled out on the couch, Doritos stains on his shirt, with controller in hand and you think to yourself: “He has no idea what he’s wasting…” Alas, the vicious circle has continued, and it’s at that point you realize, every time throughout your existence where you heard that phrase directed at you, every bitter old soul who uttered it, had children. We can hold our heads up high knowing that we’re the reason our parents weren’t able to live their lives to fullest–it would seem the very act of us existing destroyed their dreams.

Here’s hoping your parents don’t realize it, because that is going to be one massive guilt trip. However, you can hold on to the hope that science will provide us with a DeLorean capable of time travel, giving us the ability to swipe sports almanacs from the future allowing us to successfully gamble in the present …or past if you really want to mess with the space-time continuum.




Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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