1) Never wear just a negligee. Pair it with some loafers so your feet don’t get cold.
2) Ladies: put on a touch of makeup. Men: slather it on. God knows you need it.
3) Don’t bring a water bottle – it makes you look nervous. Instead, bring a glass of chilled white wine, and if you get nervous, take a sip. You get less and less nervous as the presentation goes on! This is also nice to have during Q&A – if someone asks you a question you can’t answer, shout, “How DARE you!” and toss the wine in their faces. No one else will want to get in the middle of that. Question avoided!
4) Everyone loves an embedded MIDI file.
5) Print out a paper copy of the presentation for everyone, then make them refer to it constantly so you know they’re paying attention. If this is a presentation on the future of technology, this tip goes double.
6) Fill the beginning of your presentation with quotes from famous people. About halfway through, start sneaking in quotes from cartoon characters. See if anyone notices. Those that do are go-getters and deserve a promotion. If you’re unable to give out promotions, these people must be viewed as rivals and their promotion efforts must be sabotaged as soon as possible.
7) Pick a person from the audience at random. Go through your entire presentation as if you were giving it solely to them. Look at them constantly. Ask them questions. If the person survives the presentation without becoming a nervous wreck and/or peeing themselves, he or she is a go-getter and deserves a promotion. Or sabotage. See above.
8) If anyone nods their head to anything you say, ask them to elaborate whatever point you’re trying to make. Begin by saying, “I see [insert name here] agrees with me. Do you have anything to add?” Because you just know they’re nodding for the sake of nodding, and all that nodding makes them motion sick.
9) End your presentation with a rousing Elizabethan dance number. Make everyone participate.
———-
Alison Burke is a writer from the Washington D.C. area, and has been a past Defenestration contributor. She enjoys cake and male models. She wishes her life was more like a Baby Bash video — save she would be the douche wearing a sideways cap as bikini-clad men grooved comedically for her viewing pleasure.