My name is Nameless

and I am a googleholic
My friends said I needed intervention,

that unaided ungoogling is unbearable,

suggested Googleholics Anonymous (GA).
(I had to google to find one, though)
The GA director said googling is incurable,

that once a googleholic always a googleholic,

that it was predestined and permanent.
(I googled all night on “googleholic”)
Again I confessed and spilled my guts.

“It is common to slip off the wagon,” they said.

“You must surrender your mouse and modem.”
(I googled to find the closest wireless service)
“Apologize to everyone you have googled,”

they said. “Ask them to accept and forgive you.

Pledge publicly to avoid googling them ever again.”
(At home alone in the dark I googled)
GA members mentioned a Higher Power.

Besides admission, confession, and forgiveness,

I had to surrender my being to a Higher Power.
(That night I googled for a “Higher Power”)
I exhausted myself googling for Higher Powers,

but each google returned the response: “Your search

for a ‘Higher Power’ did not match any documents.”
(My name is Nameless and I am a googleholic)

 
The Leader’s Address on Terrorism

“My fellow Americans

[Translator: “My fellow Americans]
Every single night I pray to God for guidance in the fight the terrorists

[God speaks to me often, and his message is clear. So listen carefully]
We’re now fighting a noble and global-wide War against Evil

[Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas: Bring ’em on]
We’re going to beat the terrorists on their territory, not in the streets of America

[Most of the oil in the world is in the Middle East, Dummy]
I say to terrorists everywhere: our superior American military will destroy you

[This time we’ll invade a country easier to control, like Kiribati or Tuvalu]
Defeat is not an option. We will stay the course until total victory against terrorists

[I’m the decision-maker, so toe the line or I’ll tap your phones]
Americans with doubts about winning this war in Iraq are wrong

[Those who want to cut and run are traitors and we’ll find you]
Fellow Americans, you have a clear choice: you are either with me or against me

[Do it or I’ll order the Attorney General to monitor your damn E-mails]
America is the beacon of democracy and the rest of the world will follow our lead

[We’re going to change the world into mini markets for American businesses]
People across the world have shown that they would rather live like Americans

[Our porn, drugs, and infidelity is more addictive than traditional values]
American is the land of opportunity to be rich and comfortable

[I plan to retire soon and live on my ranch like a sheik]
Let us bow our heads and ask God for rapid success. Do it now!”

[Pray with me or I’ll Swift Boat you”]

————

Tony’s grandparents claimed to be descendents of Marco Polo. That led him to China to research his ancestors. However, because he poked around in sensitive records, the government kicked him out. So Tony found refuge in Texas, where he has learned to lie a lot. Currently he is researching the influence of Chianti on Christopher Columbus’s ambition to sail west in search for a water route to China so he could corner the Chinese green tea market. Tony is still testing the Chianti, so it might be years before he concludes his research.