Alex arrived thirty minutes early so he could choose the largest chair in the room. All the chairs looked nearly identical, but his was slightly larger. He arranged the others in a circle around it and nudged his own chair six inches forward. On a nearby table he displayed three framed certificates. One proclaimed him Founder and Visionary of the First Narcissist Club and had been presented to Alex by Alex. Another named him Member of the Month. The third awarded him a Lifetime Achievement Award.

When the other members arrived, several paused to examine the display. “Nice awards,” Bradley said.

“Of course,” Alex replied.

“Who gave them to you?”

Alex shrugged. “Someone who recognized greatness.”

Once everyone was seated, Alex cleared his throat. “Welcome. My name is Alex. I’ve convened this inaugural gathering for individuals unfairly labeled narcissists by spouses, family members, coworkers, and other jealous observers. We already have forty prospective members waiting to join.”

“You didn’t start it alone,” Roberta said.

“Actually, I did.”

“And?”

“And I started it best.”

Before anyone could respond, all six members began talking. Alex raised both hands. “Please. One at a time. We are all equals here. Except for me, since I’m the founder.”

The room immediately erupted.

“Who elected you?” Bradley asked.

“I assumed I was in charge,” Linda said.

Gary laughed. “Neither of you has the charisma.”

Raj sighed dramatically. “Leadership emerges naturally around enlightened souls.”

Alex pounded a small gavel. “Introductions. Roberta?”

Roberta tossed her hair. “My boyfriend tricked me into couples counseling. One session later I had a diagnosis. Ridiculous. I’m an influencer.”

“How many followers?” Gary asked.

“Twelve. They’re highly engaged followers.”

Bradley smirked. “I manage three thousand employees.”

“Employees aren’t followers.”

“They’re better.”

“Only because they get paid.”

Alex pounded the gavel again. “Bradley?”

Bradley adjusted his expensive tie. “My family staged an intervention because they’re intimidated by excellence. During therapy I told my sister, ‘If I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you.'”

Several members nodded.

“Then I reminded them humility is one of my finest qualities.”

The nodding stopped.

Linda adjusted her glasses. “That’s not humility.”

Bradley sighed heavily. “Thank you for demonstrating the persecution I endure daily.”

When Linda’s turn arrived, she smiled proudly. “My therapist described my grandiosity as among the most impressive she’d encountered in twenty years.”

“Really?” Roberta asked.

Linda beamed. “I consider it a professional endorsement.”

Gary stood. “Three ex-wives independently described me as larger than life.”

“So?” Linda asked.

“When multiple sources validate my self-assessment, that’s called evidence.”

Raj smiled serenely. “You remain trapped in ego. I transcended mine years ago.”

“Then why are you here?” Roberta asked.

“To teach.”

For a brief moment the room fell silent. Then everyone began talking.

Determined to restore order, Alex distributed membership packets. The cover page read: The First Narcissist Club: A Movement Larger Than Any One Person. Written by Alex. Foreword by Alex. Introduction by Alex. The acknowledgments thanked Alex for his courage, vision, leadership, perseverance, resilience, and exceptional hair.

Inside was a section titled Common Symptoms of Being Surrounded by Inferior People. The list included frequent frustration, chronic underappreciation, being right too often, others failing to recognize your genius, and repeated exposure to idiots. Several members nodded before realizing they were agreeing with Alex. They immediately stopped.

Another section listed famous people allegedly accused of narcissism: Donald Trump, Napoleon, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, and Madonna.

Bradley frowned. “Why isn’t my name on this list?”

The others instantly began searching for theirs.

Alex pointed triumphantly at the page. “Notice the pattern? Greatness is often mistaken for narcissism.”

“Madonna shouldn’t be above me alphabetically,” Roberta muttered.

The next page listed offensive stereotypes: control freak, showboat, user, spotlight addict, egomaniac, emotional vampire.

“The prejudice is disgusting,” Roberta said.

Bradley pointed at the word egomaniac. “I prefer premium self-esteem.”

Alex turned the page. “Worse are the jokes.”

The examples included: Let’s talk about something that interests both of us: me. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Enough about me. What do you think about me?

Several members underlined their favorites.

Alex ignored them. “Our mission is to educate the public and demand the respect we deserve.”

Bradley raised his hand. “As future president and CEO, I support this mission.”

“Future what?” Alex asked.

Roberta stood. “I nominate myself for Supreme Influencer.”

Gary rose. “I’d like a lifetime appointment.”

“Leadership should be determined by intellectual superiority,” Linda declared.

Raj smiled. “Enlightened beings don’t need elections.”

Alex raised both hands. “We’ll settle this democratically. All in favor of yourself becoming president?”

Six hands shot into the air. The meeting immediately descended into a competition over who suffered from the most impressive diagnosis.

“My diagnosis was severe,” Gary said.

“Mine was extreme,” Bradley countered.

Linda scoffed. “My therapist called mine extraordinary.”

Raj smiled beatifically. “Mine was spiritually unique.”

Alex stood. “Clearly Alex suffers more from misunderstanding than any person in modern history.”

Before anyone could challenge him, Roberta suggested a group photograph. Ten minutes later they were still arguing over who should stand in the center. The meeting ended without a picture. Later that evening, six selfies appeared online. Every image had been cropped to exclude everyone else.

Within a week, each member launched a competing organization. Alex founded the Original First Narcissist Club. Bradley launched Narcissists for Executive Excellence. Roberta unveiled Influencers Against Misunderstanding. Gary created the Larger-Than-Life Foundation. Linda established the Institute for Advanced Grandiosity Studies. Raj announced the Society of Spiritually Superior Individuals. Each publicly denounced the other five groups.

Six months later all six organizations collapsed. Not because of financial problems. Not because of infighting. Not because of public ridicule. Each founder had been expelled by the membership for excessive narcissism.

One year later the former members reunited for the First Annual Narcissist of the Year Awards. Six trophies were presented. Every member received one. Every member filed an appeal. Each insisted the others had received trophies that were slightly larger.

Alex alone appeared content.

His trophy was.

————

Dr. Neil Weiner has over 40 years’ experience as a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma recovery and anxiety disorders. He enjoys using stories to help readers harness their resilience to aid them on their healing journey. He has been published in a variety of professional journals and literary fiction in over fifty magazines. His psychology books include Shattered Innocence and The Curio Shop. Non-psychology publications are Across the Borderline and The Art of Fine Whining. He has a monthly advice column in a Portland Newspaper, “Ask Dr. Neil.” nweiner@usa.net