Dear Mr. Stoker,
I want to express my sincere gratitude for the time and effort you and your colleagues took to make my recent on-site job interview so pleasant and fulfilling. I look forward to our continued correspondence and ultimate employment with your company as Head of Internal Auditing.
My pleasant day began with Peter at the front desk, a delightful young man. Notes of turmeric and cardamon, and just the right balance of heat; chicken tikka masala and saag paneer, I believe. It’s a shame he struggled so much, those injuries were totally avoidable.
Eileen in HR provided an excellent overview of the company’s vacation and health benefits. It’s a surprise to many, but corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes blend to provide an enticing flavor once in the blood stream.
Juliana from IT did a fine job of explaining your company’s policies on crypto security and protocols. I detected strong hints of tomato, basil, oregano, and garlic. It reminded me of when I lived in Italy in the late 18th century—wonderful people, full of life, and art, and blood—such fond memories.
Perhaps the highlight of my day was discovering your company cafeteria’s expansive food court. I imagine this will provide me countless opportunities to experience both traditional and new dining adventures. Everything from kebabs to cheeseburgers, barbequed brisket to kung pao shrimp; I am excited by the seemingly unbounded mélange of new flavors that await me. On that day I enjoyed Carl, with his heady aroma of wine, shallots, butter, lemon and tarragon, markers of fine French cooking, so unusual for a cafeteria. And George was clearly a fan of sushi, which imparts a distinct but subtle piscatorial piquancy I always find intriguing. Doug, however, was the biggest surprise; it is so rare to detect the unmistakable bouquet of kangaroo tail so far from Australia.
As you probably have ascertained by now, it was futile to direct your employees to wear garlic necklaces. The protective powers of garlic are an old folk legend. You were all powerless to resist my charms as soon as you invited me to cross your office threshold.
The “bottom line,” to employ a quaint phrase you used more than once that day, is that you are all in thrall to me now, and I expect a very remunerative job offer is on the way even as I pen this missive.
Most Respectfully,
Vlad Wallachia
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Mark Ifanson is one of those writers who gets great pleasure from writing about himself in the third person. He is currently trying to understand the origin of coconut milk, as coconuts do not have nipples. No, those three spots on the bottom are germination pores (use your imagination). Despite this apparent state of confusion, he has managed to find a home for his work at BULL, Maudlin House, Penumbra, Points in Case, Defenestration (which you just read!), Little Old Lady Comedy, Greener Pastures, The Haven, MuddyUm, and Witcraft.