Hey Cody,
How cute! I’ve never heard of that before. Dr. Silverman wants you to bring your cat in for an exam.
-Sincerely,
Sierra
Twin Pines Animal Hospital
***
VISIT SUMMARY
ANIMAL: Peanut (Feline, 7 y/o domestic shorthair, orange)
DIAGNOSIS: Owner encountered feral raccoon “spooning” cat.
EXAM: Raccoon entered premises by sliding open screen door using it’s “dexterous, humanoid hands.” Cat swabbed for penetration.
NOTES: The “spooning” was described as non-sexual, but physically intimate.
PROGNOSIS: Guarded. Owner unable to stop raccoon from repeatedly entering home; becoming physical with cat. Against the recommendation of this office, Owner of Peanut (cat) brought in feral raccoon for tests because “that’s how it works with bats.”
Raccoon was presented under sedation brought about through use of human prescription sleeping drugs, again, against the strong insistence of this office. Peanut (cat) and raccoon tested for rabies, parvovirus, salmonella, and syphilis. Given outdoor vaccinations.
TREATMENT(S): CEASE RACCOON-CAT CONTACT IMMEDIATELY.
***
OFFICE OF ANIMAL CONTROL
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
Teaneck, NJ, 07666
Re: “hElp! rACCoON!!”
We’ve received your many emails/calls/voicemails, and have reviewed your case. Several items concern us:
1. That the raccoon made his own set of house keys. Your dwelling seems to now be part of its “territory”.
2. The negative influence on feline behavior—your cat wearing his claws sharp, his fur mussed, and meowing in a gravelly voice, like an alley cat.
3. Undomesticated behavior from both animals, including urine-marking, pool-bathing, roughhousing, catfishing and negging.
4. Most disturbingly, the raccoon was seen ‘petting’ the cat. You described feeling “threatened” and “jealous”. You said it was “way too human.”
We here at Animal Control agree. Immediate action is required. That’s why within 10 business days, a letter will notify him of the 90 days he has to begin the 180-day relocation order.
This is a temporary measure. We strongly recommend you change your locks and file a restraining order.
***
CITY HOUSING AUTHORITY
FROM THE OFFICE OF COMMISSIONER [REDACTED]
We’ve reviewed the submitted documents. Unfortunately, due to the length of his stay and the renovations you’ve allowed him to do to your attic, under New Jersey law, the raccoon now qualifies for Squatter’s Rights.
Animal control confirmed their history with this particular raccoon, “Frankie Five-Fingers”. He’s victimized multiple residences in the past, and the police have been made aware of your situation. While we sympathize, as city employees, our hands are tied.
Hire a lawyer and begin the legal process for eviction.
In the meantime, avoid contact with Frankie, and be on the lookout for Stockholm-like symptoms, such as: stashing shiny loot in the knotholes of trees, wearing bandit masks, and getting your balled fists stuck in jars.
We understand it’s frustrating having a raccoon running crypto schemes from your bathroom and stealing your iPhone to have flirtatious conversations with your mom. We highly recommend you stop cooking him dinner.
***
[TRANSCRIPT]
Host: Welcome back to Heartstream. Next up, a disturbing message from Listener Cody who’s afraid his cat, Peanut, is leaving him for a bad-boy raccoon.
So, Cody, you started off trying to get this love rival evicted, but felt like you were driving Peanut away—
Co-host: —Right into the raccoon’s deft little hands.
Host: Now you fear you’ll lose your cat if you don’t defer to his new partner. So, you’ve begun enabling this perverse raccoon lifestyle, renting them Lime Scooters and buying them old-school, caffeinated Four Locos.
Co-host: Which, where do you even get those anymore?
Host: It’s escalated to purchasing human breast milk on Facebook marketplace.
Co-host: The stuff’s intoxicating. I’ve done it. Great for gains. But babies need it, man.
Host: Your insecurity has led you into this abusive thruple, and now you’re considering dropping them at Best Buy on the eve of the new PlayStation release so they can pickpocket bros that fall asleep camped out in line. Check yourself, listener, before you end up raving shirtless on COPS.
***
THE RHODE ISLAND GAZETTE
POACHING ON THE PRESERVE
The wildlife preserve has long been a gilded treasure chest protecting the precious gems that are the endangered diamondback terrapin turtles. Enclosures installed around nests keep the hope of future generations from going out with the tide.
But the glittering sun cast hard shadows across empty nests this morning at Winthrop Cove. Biologists and volunteers were shocked to find the protective cages breached, and the diamondback eggs heisted. Raccoon and cat pawprints led to and from this maritime infanticide. Most disappointing of all, oily power tools and duplicitous tire tracks betray an ignominious human getaway driver.
Baffled local law enforcement welcomes any information on the shameful criminals involved, stating, “Why the hell would anyone help a raccoon steal turtle eggs?”
***
WANTED BY THE FBI
“FRANKIE FIVE FINGERS” (Raccoon)
FELONY VANDALISM (Casino buffet ransacking spree)
MARITIME PIRACY (Pillaging the Long Island Garbage Barge)
GRAND LARCENY (Heist of Regent diamond from Louvre — display case believed to still be stuck on Frankie’s hand.)
DESCRIPTION: 3 feet 2 inches, 30 pounds, gray fur, black bandit-mask markings on face.
SEX: Male
NATIONALITY: Unknown
REMARKS
It is believed that Frankie may be traveling with two unknown associates, a human male, (30s; 5’8”; dark brown hair), and a large cat (male; 7ish; 18” long; orange). Frankie has been seen spooning the orange cat, who then spooned the human, forming a stack of spoons. A “spoon drawer.”
FRANKIE MAY HAVE HAD PLASTIC SURGERY OR OTHERWISE ALTERED HIS APPEARANCE
CAUTION
Frankie and associates were last seen off the coast of Cuba, in a speedboat, wearing matching leather jackets, the backs bedazzled with the word “crime.”
————
Cody Walzel was raised in the woods of East Texas, educated in Brooklyn, and now lives in Los Angeles, where he works as a designer for animation. He’s done comedy writing for Ben 10 and The Good Advice Cupcake and has previously been published in Freedom Fiction Journal. He’s done art for many other animated shows including Big Hero 6 and Solar Opposites. He’s currently a designer on Futurama.