“What I Learned From joyfulpreppers.com,” by Lydia Storm

Dec 20th, 2021 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

You will absolutely need a first-aid kit. In your soft life you are not used to wounds. Gauze and tape will be critical. As will a steel knife for cauterization purposes. Believe it: you do not want to bleed out.

Learn how to set a bone, dress a wound, and sew slashed flesh. Learn how to deliver babies. Do your research. Start now.

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Gas masks, yes or no? There is disagreement. However, imagine fire and biological weapons and you will have your answer.

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You will need water, food, shelter, and weapons. As for money, you are dreaming if you don’t realize your currency is worthless now, and it will be even more worthless later. If you don’t believe me, just look at the way all the billionaires are racing to Mars.

Look it up. Do your research.

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If you are smart you will have a bugout vehicle as well as a bugout bag. You will in fact have a portable bugout bag stored securely within your bugout vehicle. Your bugout vehicle will be something that can ford streams and climb wrecked hills. Something that can outrun fire.

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Remember this: “Prepping can be overwhelming. Start slow and continue steady.” It almost goes without saying that research is your friend.

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All the blogs talk about the three Bs: beans, bullets, and bandages. If you are on the lazy side, that may be enough for you to deal with. But if you wake up one day feeling ambitious, think about the thirteen As: antifungals, antibiotics, antivirals, antioxidants, anti-inflammatories, affordable emergency heat sources, air cleaners, antidotes, alcohol (isopropyl, not the other), AR-47s, attack dogs, abdominal surgery kits, and last but not least, attitude.

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Humanoid steel combat silhouette targets are all well and good, but they do not run. They do not hide.

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Scope specifications: Waterproof: Definitely. Eye relief: Of course. Battery: LAF7891043785847362783723093847X. Adjustment graduation: Do you want to hit your target, or not? Windage adjustment: There will be wind. And fire. Size: Big enough to see your target before he sees you.

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They say you should list all threats, and that is all well and good, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed, be sure to rank the threats in priority order. You must draw a line somewhere. Don’t worry—all smart preppers do this to focus their efforts. As an example, you might prepare for Armageddon, but not Ragnarok. Solar flares, but not planet-killing lasers. Terrorists, but not zombies.

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You may think you’ve heard enough about walkie-talkies, but you’re wrong. You can never hear enough about walkie-talkies. Or upgrading your bushcraft. Or silver. Or fire. Or loaded home-defense firearms which have blinding lights affixed permanently to their barrels.

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You should do your own research, but for your family’s sake, consider building a Faraday cage large enough to protect your encampment from electromagnetic radiation which may in a variety of scenarios be emitted from the external environment. You will need silver wire for this. There is no substitute for silver.

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Note: Your limited budget and/or misguided attempts to save money may tempt you to take a few shortcuts, but it is not advisable to purchase any item marked with the words, “Made in China.”

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Pro-Tip: Stock at least two crank chargers.

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Use your secure smartphone to capture and store anything you cannot afford to forget. Maps, formulas, step-by-step instructions, the faces of your kin. (See Pro-Tip, above.)

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It will help if you decide how long you plan to live. Heredity is a factor. As an example, if you are 67 and both Mom and Dad are still alive, you may have a problem.

That said, do some simple math, and you will arrive at your required quantities of all your crucial supplies. Whatever you do, do your research and do not forget to account for fire.

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If there will be a shortage of anything, there will be a shortage of ammunition.

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No, humans cannot eat grass. We are not cows.

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Read Joyfulprepper.com to keep your spirits up. Here is a sample of prepper sayings to live by:

“It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.” Howard Ruff.

“The only easy day was yesterday.” The United States Navy Seals.

“Never say never. Rats are a delicacy in West Africa.” Anonymous.

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If you insist on converting concrete culverts into underground bunkers, pay close attention to drainage and ventilation. I am speaking from experience, here.

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They have field rations now that will give you 2000 calories for a reasonable price. Modern meal kits cater to many types of preferences, but it is objectively best to forget misguided dietary restrictions and/or veganism and go for the most meat you can.

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Ninety-nine times out of a hundred there will be others out there. Sorry, but this means you will have to be far better than you have been at choosing your friends.

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Once you are prepared, attitude is everything. Picture yourself having done your research, safe in a fireproof cabin on a mountaintop. Picture yourself sitting on your porch with a deer rifle, a good scope, and plenty of ammunition. Picture your venison drying on a rack, your diesel tanks, your silver, your emergency rations, your mind and conscience clear.

Picture yourself fat and happy for the rest of your days.

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Lydia Storm is a writer who lives in Seattle. Her poems, essays, and stories have appeared in Del Sol Review, Burrow Press Review, Litro, The Metaworker, and other magazines. You can find her on Twitter @lydiastorm.

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