Dec 28th, 2017 | By | Category: Columns

One thing I look forward to at the start of every new year: calendars. I have no shame about this. I love all the quirky themed calendars that come out, and seeing what ridiculousness is assigned to each month. It occurs to me that the calendar industry must make a lot of money. Whoever decided to assemble twelve clip-art kittens on top of a grid is probably a millionaire by now.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s this beard club (yes, beard clubs actually exist!) and it’s doing this dudeoir themed calendar. Ok, get this – a bunch of burly bearded men in merfolk outfits. They’re all lying half-naked on rocks and shit and it’s absolutely amazing. I mean, if you thought kitten calendars were amazing, then who isn’t going to love a sexy calendar full of lumberjack mermen?! TAKE MY MONEY.

Speaking of money, the new GOP tax plan is still a thing and economists everywhere are sending off red alerts about the detrimental affects to our economy. I am certainly no fan of the GOP or this tax plan, but if it’s going to go through, then the government needs to invest in alternative forms of revenue. Seriously.

So, while thinking of all of this, I went into my cave and started to plot and came up with a viable solution. I present to you the proposed Sexy GOP 2018 Calendar and our star pin-ups…


January – Mitch McConnell

January – Mitch McConnell

Showing off his stylish mummy robes,  McConnell is proving that age is just a number and he makes withered evil look downright seductive. Speaking of numbers, how many times have we tried trickle-down economics? Well, it’s bound to work eventually.


February – Roy Moore

February is the month of love! And who better to show off the GOP’s commitment to Valentine’s Day than failed congressional elect Roy Moore himself! And Moore is a lover! He loves the Ten Commandments and guns and high school students. (Yup, even though he keeps getting older, they stay the same age.)


March – Paul Ryan

In his never-ending quest to steal from the poor to give to the rich, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is immortalized here in copper-colored steel that’s harder than Ayn Rand’s heart. Admirers often ask how he can afford such luxury. (Hint: Social Security and Medicare.)


April –  Flynn (Hamburgler)

Michael Flynn may be gone from the White House’s inner circle, but he certainly not forgotten! Here we have him sporting a retro look, something bold and classy and perfect to win the approval of any grand jury.


May –  Betsy DeVos

The mother brain of the Department of Education system shows off a more natural look, forsaking modern fashion and make up. What Devos lacks in formal research, teaching experience, and common sense, she more than makes up for it with a killer smile.


June – Mike Pence

For gay pride month, Pence is giving us his saucy earthy look with those bedroom eyes and come-hither hooves. Because, let’s face it – this dude is so far in the closet, he’s reached Narnia. And seriously, it takes a true fashionista to rock the red wool scarf in summer.

(By the way, do we have a running count of how many people he’s blocked on Grindr?)



July – This Asshole.

(Now withdrawn) Nominee for a life-time position as a District Judge. Doesn’t know how to google simple legal terms. Nothing says patriotism and good old republican values like… well … ignorance.



August – Donald Trump, Jr.

August is a hot month! And you know what’s hot? A man who dresses up to match the content of his Twitter account. And we can forgive him for not being able to spell Net Neutrality. It’s not like we live in the era of spell-check.



September –  Dr. Ben Carson

The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development brings a classic men’s suit and wicked smile to September. There’s something so confident coming from a guy who proposed a six billion dollar cut to the housing budget but was unable to disclose exact figures from specific programs. Bless his heart.



October – Kellyanne Conway

To celebrate October, we bring you the frosty lovely Kellyanne Conway. Having earned a graduate certificate in Spells and Hexes, she’s been enchanting us with her circular logic and alternative facts. Love her Halloween costume? We do too! It’s a great dress.



November –  Steve Bannon

Dear God, hide the children!


December – Putin

It’s all about the eyes. Or in the case, the eye.

What? You say Putin isn’t technically a member of the GOP? How embarrassing for me… of course, he isn’t. Suuuuuuuuure ….



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