Lady Chatterly’s The Rock

Oct 13th, 2015 | By | Category: Columns

Lady Chatterly’s Lover premiered a few weeks ago, and everyone was disappointed. The Telegraph stated it was “profoundly unfaithful,” while my mom proclaimed, “not enough naked man butts.”

This 2015 adaptation featured Holliday Grainger, who was named after a face character at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and Richard Madden, who starred in arguably the most misogynistic piece of media in the past few years (Cinderella).

The film failed on nearly every level, succeeding only in inadvertently promoting Real Tears eye drops, as everyone in the film cried at least 500 times, including Lady Chatterly’s horse. The only bit of sexy fun was had by Sir Clifford Chatterley when he vroom vroomed around in his handicapped person four wheeler.




This is the 10th adaptation, and probably won’t be the last. Therefore, I have a suggestion for the next version:

The Rock

We all agree that The Rock is an international treasure. Realize for a moment all the great things he makes better just by being The Rock:

This is what the next adaptation of Lady Chatterly’s Lover needs: a dose of what The Rock plans to be cooking. Check out my (Rock, The)-awesome pitch:

“‘Sup producers and investors. I know we all like books and things. Especially old books and old stuff, like Lady Chatterly’s Lover and Sir Ian McKellen. Old stuff is classy and RICH. Who doesn’t want to be both those things? Probably Sean Penn, but he’s terrible.

So for your next Classy and Rich adaptation of Lady Chatterly’s Lover, my pitch is as follows:

The Rock

Now, I know you’re thinking:


eyebrow raise


But bear with me, like The Rock will bare all for THE LADIES in this hawt and overtly sexual adaptation of Lady Chatterly’s Lover, re-titled “Lady Chatterly’s The Rock.”

Okay, okay. I know it’s not just about the ladies and you you are  trying to “grow” your male audience in the period piece realm. Therefore, perhaps in this new adaptation, The Rock can crush some bird skulls? See, in the novel, Oliver Mellors is a gamekeeper, and that would make sense that the gamekeeper of the manor needs to ground down animal skulls  for Lady Chatterly’s age defying face masks. But gamekeepers have guns and guns aren’t cool, so let’s make The Rock’s Oliver Mellors into a sexy gardener. I know I said he’d be crushing bird skulls, however  I can switch that to working on classic cars for the male audience. He can be a gardener/auto mechanic. I’m definitely not making this up as I go along.

The Rock is hired as the new auto mechanic/gardener by Lord Chatterly. Did you know that in The Past, auto mechanics were chauffeurs? So he’s actually a chauffeur/gardener.  Anyways, there’s a lot of scenes devoted to showing The Rock’s commitment to his job and keeping his abs (The Rock) hard. There’s a pivotal scene early in the film in which he moves all of the furniture in his gardener-chauffeur hut and Lady Chatterly watches while fanning herself. Trust me, everyone.

Okay so after all this set up of The Rock’s day to day life, we’re about an hour and forty-five minutes into the film. I guess we should have some interaction with Lady Chatterly and her husband, so maybe five minutes of that, and then back to The Rock.

I don’t want you all thinking I’m not being faithful to the source material. There’s an important part of the novel in which Oliver talks to his penis. We’re going to replace that with a scene of The Rock talking to his bulldog/best friend Archimedes (Archi for short) while on a nature hike, contemplating his deep love and respect for Lady Chatterly’s mind and how cute she looks when she wakes up in the morning…

We’re clocking in at two hours and thirty minutes now. Archi is so adorable he deserves at least an hour of the movie, maybe a spinoff? I’d like to have Archi auditions as soon as possible. I should also be very involved in the selection of animals for The Rock’s (Oliver’s) tiny animal menagerie hospital.  Oh, I forgot to mention The Rock (Oliver’s) tiny animal menagerie hospital. When he’s not hard at work washing cars and soaking his clothes translucent, The Rock heads home to his gardener-chauffeur hut to check on various wounded animals who live there with him. After tending to them tenderly, he plays a melody on his khloy, which was given to him by his Cambodian fighting master, Bona, who taught him Bokator, a form of martial arts that is both manly and sexy.

Lady Chatterly is drawn to The Rock’s sensitivity, humor and Ph.D. in mathematics from Oxford.  But The Rock is lowborn, an orphan whose parents died in a tragic cow herding accident. Lord Chatterly treats him terribly. There’s an important scene in which Oliver has to push Lord Chatterly’s wheelchair through the mud and is having difficulty. For realism, this version will have The Rock having difficulty with pushing Lord Chatterly’s wheelchair and carrying Lady Chatterly—through a burning barn.  He saves both of them, but Lord Chatterly is disgusted when the cuff of his coat is singed.

Now, I know you’re all worried this version of Oliver Mellors isn’t quite gruff enough.  Which means The Rock will have a scar on his face, a reminder of his survival of the East Midlands Cow Herd Tragedy of 1908.  When it gets damp outside he rubs his scar, mumbling “My scar!” or similar. At one point, Lady Chatterly touches his scar and The Rock knocks her hand away, then grabs her and serves her what The Rock is cooking, which is some romantic face mashing.

To correct the lack of “naked men’s butts,” per my mother’s earlier complaint, The Rock will have to serve up his derriere in a few fireside scenes. Lord Chatterly should also show his half moons now and then. Lord Chatterly should be played by Matt Bomer.

After about an hour of male nudity, we are at four hours and fifteen minutes. Now here comes the plot! I’ll send that over later…

As you can see, this pitch promises nothing but success for the next adaptation of Lady Chatterly’s Lover. (I heard you’re considering a live musical starring Kelsey Grammer? Please realize his bare thighs will scare the entire world for life.) I take check or money order. On behalf of The Rock, thanks for your  time. And on behalf of fighting master Bona: “Lee-hai!”

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