Set Feyzerbeams to STUN!

Apr 2nd, 2013 | By | Category: Columns

OMG I am so excited that KING J.J. Abrams is going to direct STAR WARS. I’m a little late on this news because I’ve been busy moving from my parents’ basement into the guest house I built out of their shed.

For those who aren’t FANS of Star Trek 2009 (ugh, just kill yourselves), let me give you a complete summary so you can really understand how grate this classic is.

The movie starts like this: a huge metal fern weed grows out of a bubble IN SPACE and then starts shooting at giant space discs that carry people with jumpsuits. Then the screen goes FLASH FLASH FLASH! People are yelling about shields and percentages and some dude with marble eyeballs is like “come visit our huge metal fern or we’ll kill you” and a bald guy who is NOT Sire Patrick Stewart is like “walk with me” to Chris Evans Pine Hemsworth and they model walk together to an elevator and Not Stewart tells Evans Pine Hemsworth he is Captain and OMG SPOCK IS HOT THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER SHUT UP CITIZEN KANE.

The reason this movie is great because it has all my favorite things:

1) Running

2) Shouting

3) Pointing furiously

4) Flashing lights that soothe my tendency to seizure.

Are you ever watching STAR WARS (Episode 1 The Phantom Menace  duh) and think “the only thing that can make this better is having constant lights flashing in my eyes like I’m at my eye doctor?” THEN WE ARE BOTH ETERNALLY LUCKY BECAUSE J.J. IS GOING TO DELIVER!

OMG!!!1! The best of both worlds! (One of them is TOTES Endor.)

OMG!!!1! The best of both worlds! (One of them is TOTES Endor.)

One of my favorite things about KING J.J is that he just makes everything BETTER! Like, he is going to take your dumb re-telling of a female prisoner turned secret agent assassin with an international cast and complex morally ambiguous storylines and he’s going to instead center his WAY BETTER story on an actress who can really pull off pouty autobot. Also, WIGS. Lots of wigs. Awesome!

And LOST, he co-created Lost!!! Remember when they were stuck on the island and then got off the island but Jack wanted to go BACK to the island and Kate dry humped Sawyer AND Jack while The Others watched in that fan-fiction I wrote called “Blessings and Boners”? Yes!!!!

And I think that the BEST thing about his adaptations are when he, like, totally knows exactly what the show was about? So like how in the boring old show Uhura never made out with like ANYBODY, she was just doing her job, but Abrams is like, BORING, because he’s a God of Nerds, right? So in the Star Trek movie she’s a girlfriend! SPOCK’S girlfriend, too, which is like the hottest, right? Don’t even pretend it’s not the hottest, the movie shows her basically with him all the time because it’s THAT hot, come on, we all know it. I can’t WAIT for him to look at Star Wars  – think how many girl Jedi are going to get the chance to make out with somebody! That’s super feminist. Thank you, JJ. We need you!Also I can’t wait to be SUPER surprised about whatever he does with the plot! I mean, Abrams is SUPER good having like one third of a plot and then being like WHAT IS UP JERKS and changing everything! And everybody tells me I’m only confused after all those because I’m not giving him enough credit for having the idea in the first place, so I want you to think about that, too – if Star Wars didn’t make any sense at all to you after the big twist that was clearly the only reason he made the movie and was itself riddled with plot holes, that’s because you believe in censorship, and you’re disgusting.

Plus, like, that’s not forget that Star Wars has like eight hundred characters we haven’t even met yet unless you’ve read all the books or whatever like some kind of geek (ugh, who has that kind of time, if I am reading I am reading paranormal YA series 50 Shades of No Way, okay?). I mean, that little green Ewok lizard comic-relief hilarious guy from Star Wars wasn’t even IN the original series, and JJ Abrams just knew that that’s what we needed! Just think about what he can do if you give him all those characters he can use! I mean, not women, there’s only so many girlfriends a plot needs, but DUDE characters!

To sum up: Zoe Saldana is gonna be the most erotic Ewok evahhhhh!

Faeluver, Defenestration’s Fancologist, is presently writing slash fiction featuring characters from Kellogg’s cereal or something. And they’re vampires. She occasionally falls asleep dreaming about being cradled in Tony the Tiger’s strong, muscular arms, and then he bites her and turns her into a weretiger so they can have babies.
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