Movie Blurbs for Your Vengeful Eyeballs

Jan 28th, 2013 | By | Category: Columns


One of my friends, a film professor, has given himself a project for 2013. He’s going to watch one movie he’s never seen every week this year. That’s fifty-two films to add to his repertoire and I was like, “Whoa! That’s a lot of movies.”

Ok, so then – I saw this on Facebook:


This got me thinking about the DVDs I have on my shelf. Quite frankly, I watch too many movies and at the same time, I’ve only seen a small fraction of our cinema canon. So, I got to thinking – if I were to suggest a film for my friend’s project, what would I suggest and how would I describe it. Inspired by “The Wizard of Oz” caption, I went to my own DVD shelf and came up with these.

ALIEN (1979) – Adorable space kitty evades peril while his humans are slaughtered by an evil presence.

ALIENS (1986) – Without ample opportunity to get naked or close to naked in this film, Sigourney Weaver duct tapes a flamethrower to an assault rifle and saves a little girl.

AMELIE (2001) – Quirky French girls just want to have fun by using their imagination.

BLUE VELVET (1986) – After finding a severed ear, a naïve teenager stalks a lounge singer and the man who loves her, abuses her and has mommy issues.

CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981) – Harry Hamlin wakes up naked on a far away beach and falls in love with a princess, while claymation monsters do everything possible to prevent the wedding.

DANCER IN THE DARK (2000) – Bjork had two mental breakdowns playing the main character and still didn’t win the Oscar.

DOGVILLE (2003) – Director Lars Von Trier subjects another one of his heroines to the unspeakable abuse and horror in a town comprised of chalk lines. When the mob shows up, shit goes down. For the duration of this three-hour movie, there is a dog someplace.

GODSFORD PARK (2001) – Dame Maggie Smith plays herself as one feisty countess who must maneuver through the dangerous realm of aristocratic dinner parties. Then, some guy gets murdered and Smith must find new ways to stay fabulous.

INSIDIOUS (2011) – While his body is getting possessed by demons, a young boy takes a tour to the hellish Astral Plane and discovers the source of the Republican party.

LABYRINTH (1986) – Muppets sing and dance as a young girl learns the dangers of falling in love with men who wear tight pants and steal babies.

MONSTER’S BALL (2002) – Billy Bob Thorton and Halley Berry have an infamous graphic sex scene that makes for very awkward movie time with your parents. Oh, and racism is vanquished through the powers of love and corporal punishment.

THE PILLOW BOOK (1996) – While no one is quite sure what this film is about, Ewan McGregor gets naked with Japanese calligraphy painted all over him.

RED (2011) – A retired lady assassin finds a new lease in life with evening gowns and bazooka barrels as her male companions hog up the plot and cramp her style.

SECRETARY (2002) – A kinky movie, but not as good as the short story.

THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999) – Gwyneth Paltrow stars in an over-two hour movie, where she doesn’t eat anything, even when in the presence of food.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (2007) – Super-sexy Daniel Day Lewis embarks on a quest to become the most brooding Byronic business man ever and erects large phallic oil rigs while Paul Dano vainly tries to bless him.

WILLOW (1988) – Hobbit prototype Willow mistakes an infant for the one true ring of power. Mayhem ensues.


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