Strong Female Character Battle Royale – The Finale

Nov 26th, 2012 | By | Category: Columns

At long last, we reach the final showdown in Strong Female Characters Battle Royale. We started with eight glorious challengers and have made it to the final two:

Violet Crawley vs. Jessica Fletcher:

I am proud to say that both of these ladies feature the arse-kicking attributes of a champion. But first, let us not forget the indignities that usually befall female characters.

Death by Sadness: As a girl, Catherine Linton of the classic novel Wuthering Heights was addicted to the raunchy website Lord Byron’s Men of the Night, featuring hunky shirtless men brooding over their drinks while leeching themselves. Thus, her doomed partnership with Byronic superman, Heathcliff, could only end in tears and premature death.

Oh Emily Bronte, when will you learn? Abusive men are not sexy.

Prostitutes Are a Guy’s Best Friend: Rambunctious house maid, Ethel Parks of Downton Abbey, was a girl who don’t take nothing from nobody. Could her employment in an aristocrat estate tame her wild heart? Well, Julian Fellows surely knows how to cause drama for wild women of the Edwardian period – through her lady parts.

As a single mother who resorted to prostitution to take care of her illegitimate son, Ethel did earn my sympathy. She gave up her son for a better life and took a job as a cook to hide her shameful past. I’m waiting for her spin-off series when Ethel opens her own village bakery specializing in erotic cakes.

Evil Gossip: Poor Lily Bart. In Edith Wharton’s House of Mirth, Lily was destined for great things. She was totally holding out for the right man and investing her money to become a serious capitalist. However, through in one gossip columnist, Bertha, and the word “affair” and next thing you know, Lily’s overdosing on sleeping draughts.

Thus, we are proud to have the likes of Violet, matriarch of the Crawley family and deliverer of the verbal bitch-slap, and Jessica Fletcher, bicycling super sleuth with a heart of gold and a tolerance for corpses.

The two ladies enter the ring and they both look fabulous. But strangely enough, the body of a dead Turkish diplomat’s son is slumped over in the middle of the ring.

“Ugh, leave it to a foreigner to die in someone else’s battle arena,” Violet says. “An Englishman wouldn’t have the nerve.”

“Oh my, this reminds me of the case of the mysterious suitor!” Jessica says.  “The museum curator did it, of course.”

As they approach, Jessica begins scouting for clues and finds a pair of white gloves, a vial of mysterious liquid and a hat feather. Violet simply smiles. As soon as Jessica steps out of the ring to round up the suspects, she’s immediately disqualified.

“Thanks, Mary!” Violet calls out with a wink and Michelle Dockery embarrassingly waves back.

Violet Wins.

What? Were you expecting something more grandiose? Well, what were you expecting? Never fuck with a Crawley.


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