And now for the next round of Strong Female Characters Battle Royale! We started off with eight fabulous contenders and are now down to the final four. But first, a little recap on our ladies.
Violet Crawley
The Countess
From: Downton Abbey
Glamour: 3 Rebellion: 2 Savvy: 4 Treachery: 2
Favored Weapon: Swivel Chair
Defeated: Dorothy Zbornak
Quote: “Don’t be defeatist, dear. It’s very middle class.”
Nemesis: All of Judi Dench’s movie roles
Reason not to vote for Mitt Romney: Old money will always trump new money.
Jessica Fletcher
The Lady Detective
From: Murder She Wrote
Glamour: 2 Rebellion: 2 Savvy: 4 Treachery: 1
Favored Weapon: Pen
Defeated: Livia Soprano
Quote: “If I were you, I would develop amnesia.”
Nemesis: Danielle Steele’s dead eyes
Reason not to vote for Mitt Romney: Common sense
Servilia of the Julii
The Roman Vixen
From: Rome
Glamour: 4 Rebellion: 1 Savvy: 2 Treachery: 4
Favored Weapon: Ancient Curses
Defeated: Lady Dedlock
Quote: “So you see the tyrant is dead, the republic is restored and you are alone. Would you like some honey water?”
Nemesis: Paris Hilton (and her little dog, too)
Reason not to vote for Mitt Romney: Fear of the Apocolypse
Catherine Martell
The Lady of Darkness
From: Twin Peaks
Glamour: 2 Rebellion: 3 Savvy: 3 Treachery: 4
Favored Weapon: Deception
Defeated: Mona Robinson
Quote: “You know what shenanigans are, don’t you?”
Nemesis: Mother Theresa
Reason not to vote for Mitt Romney: Professional thieves tend to be competitive with each other
And let the games continue:
Violet Crawley vs. Catherine Martell
Don’t you want both women to win this? Both of equally snarky, have all around good statistics and both have just the right personality to emasculate a dude in the same time it takes to open a tin of caviar!
Catherine, of course, is an all around treacherous, evil woman whose own struggle for power and wealth was worth enough to nearly sabotage the investigation into Laura Palmer’s murder. This lady double crossed a ton of people in just two television seasons – Republican senators have been modeling their actions after her since the 90’s. But then there’s Violet, an aristocrat who uses her influences to win garden competitions and intimidate every male visitor to her house, all while looking very regal.
In the ring, Catherine is up to her old tricks and reveals that through her evil scheming, she’s managed to take control of the Crawley family fortune. “Downton Abbey shall be mine!” she yells, laughing maniacally.
Unfortunately for Catherine, old time British laws prevent estates from being owned by women and Violet simply walks up and slaps her across the face. If you’re going to fight somebody, do it. Don’t just sit there scheming about it.
Violet wins.
Jessica Fletcher vs. Servilia of the Jullii
Where Servilia has the glamour and treachery down, Jessica has the savvy and rebellion. This here is a classic good vs. evil fight. On the fabulous side of evil: the notorious Servilia who orchestrated the emperor’s assassination; on the righteous side of good: the intuitive Jessica who would have been the only one to solve the crime.
Both ladies enter the ring and size each other up. They both look pristine, calm and ready for action. So, they do what they do best. Servilia pulls out her copper plates and begins drawing curses on them. Jessica withdraws her typewriter and sets in up on a little pedestal table.
Now, here’s the thing with Servilia. Apparently, she thought she was staring in Xena: Warrior Princess, where the Greek Gods were always showing up and meddling with their wicked powers. She kept up with this until the bitter end, even though magic did not ever work in her favor.
After Servilia engraves several copper plates and makes various chants to the sky, Jessica waits patiently while raising an eyebrow. Nothing happens. That is until Jessica takes her typewriter, walks over and slugs it over Servilia’s head.
Jessica Wins.
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The finale is coming! Countess Violet Crawley versus Jessica Fletcher. Who will win? Send your guesses to jonathandefenestrates@gmail.