Aug 30th, 2012 | By | Category: Columns

In last month’s column, eight fascinating fictional ladies were selected to fight to the pain in the first ever Strong Female Characters (SFC): Battle Royale. This month, the fight begins!

But first, a quick side note. Todd Aiken, your despicable comments about “legitimate rape” has not gone unnoticed. You have been officially added the official SFC Shit List along with other horrible examples of humanity, including but not limited to: Charlie Sheen, Bristol Palin, Daniel Tosh and Dan Cathy.

Let the competition begin! For a quick refresher on the contenders, please refer to last month’s column.

Dorothy Zbornak Vs. Violet Crawley

It seems a shame to pit two frontrunners against each other in round one. Both ladies are have fiery passion for justice, capable of razor sharp insults that can cut the tongue right out of Todd Aiken’s mouth and have both rightfully become gay boy divas. But thanks to the Defenestration Recon team, we recently discovered hidden footage that proves both Dorothy and Violet provided the necessary training for Katniss Everdeen to win the 74th Annual Hunger Games. Through both of these ladies into the battle arena and I’d guess it’d be an automatic draw.

Let’s consult the combat ratings. Violet has a slight advantage with higher score in Savvy and Treachery, but Dorothy has a startling advantage over the stuck-in-her-ways-Countess with an incredible score of 4 in Rebellion. Lord knows, the first half of this fight would be the two staring each other down with sassy disapproving tones which causes some theater-queen in his mid-fifties to have an orgasm.

So, it’s a battle of glamour. The fight begins and Dorothy hurls her ball and chain as Violet swivel chairs towards her for the first blow. One interesting thing about Edwardian lady garments is that they are usually adorned with jewels and precious metals. Ok, maybe not, but Violet is both glamorous and savvy, so her dress is pretty much the equivalent of chain mail. So needless to say, Violet goes in for the kill.

Winner: Violet Crawley

Catherine Martell Vs. Mona Robinson


The battle of the red heads: the vengeful seductress of Twin Peaks against the liberated grandmother of that show featuring that guy who might have been named Tony Danza. Personally, I wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of either of these two. But, these two have a special sort of rivalry. Rumor has it that Mona was in the process of seducing Twin Peak’s business mogul Ben Horne before Catherine could betray him! Now there’s a score to settle.

But don’t think either of these women can be simply downplayed as good vs. evil femme fatales. Far from it. Catherine’s Rebelling, Savvy and Treachery ratings are all quite high. This woman did manipulate ownership of the lumber mill, begrudgingly saved Shelly Johnson from being burned alive and set up Ben Horne for Murder. As for Mona, she challenged the television stereotypes as an older woman with an active social and dating life, all while countering her daughter’s type-A prudish personality, earning her high scores in Glamour and Rebellion.

However, on the battle field, it appears that only Mona is standing there, bra burnt and the bra wire ready to choke a bitch. But Catherine is nowhere to be found! A no-show would automatically entitle Mona to a default win, except for the awkward Asian business man who wanders in asking for directions. Mona is a genuine kind person, so she doesn’t mind putting her guard down to assist some confused old man. That is until, Catherine removes her disguise and clobbers Mona in an instant.

Winner: Catherine Martell

Jessica Fletcher Vs. Livia Soprano

Yeah, so this battle is, like, totally all about good versus evil. On one hand, we have everyone’s favorite crime-solving, bicycle riding, New England grandmother and on the other hand, we have the Jersey Devil herself, the borderline personality disorder mother of sociopathic mobster Tony Soprano.

Both ladies have diverse balanced stats, with Livia leading on the Treachery and Jessica one-upping on the Savvy. The major difference: Livia had a total of two seasons to undo her son, Tony Jr., by manipulating Uncle Junior into calling a hit on him … and the plan backfired. If Livia hadn’t been safely evacuated to hospital, she’d have ended up swimming with the fishies. Jessica, however, had twelve seasons solving crimes, evading danger and accomplishing what the local detective could not.

Of course, Livia starts on the battlefield looking all bitter and mean as Jessica Fletcher calmly bicycles in. Apparently, Livia hadn’t expected her opponent to even make it to the battlefield. She’s a mob-boss and expected her evil henchmen to have already taken care of things ahead of time. Unfortunately for her, Jessica wrote the book on murder and calmly rides up, ready to stick her pen in a new vial of ink.

Winner: Jessica Fletcher

Lady Dedlock Vs. Servilia of the Julii

A true epic battle between the Period Piece SFCs, Lady Delock and Servilia of the Julii were both prominent upper class figures of their respective time periods. While both were highly restricted by the roles as women and both met tragic ends, they both earned merit badges in Initiative and Cunning for their deeds. The major attribute to both of these contenders is their high Glamour score, which both women used like a loaded shot gun. Who could forget how fabulous Servilia looked when she organized Ceaser’s assassination and carried on her epic feud with rival Atia. Then there was Lady Dedlock, who looked all gothy-hot in her cloaked-lady-of-darkness outfit while she searched for clues surrounding the identity of her daughter and the mysterious Jaundice vs. Jaundice case.

However, old habits die hard.

As the two ladies enter the arena, one can’t help but deny that any woman past forty can bring it without having to flaunt it. But when the fight begins, Servilia immediately starts the long drawn out process of carving into sheet metal to evoke the curses of the Gods. Meanwhile, Lady Dedlock strikes first with the best attack move she knows: fainting. It takes nearly twenty minutes to revive her with cod soup before she faints again.

“Lady Dedlock, I’m sick of your melodrama!” Servilia screams.

Lady Dedlock takes this in. “You …. Are?” she whimpers. And then, as she collapses to the ground, “NOOOOOOOOO!!”

Winner: Servilia of the Julii

It’s ok, Gillian Anderson. You earned every penny of your X-Files Royalties, our respect and admiration. Please come back to television. (Check her out in BBC Two’s crime drama The Fall, coming soon!)*

Think you know who will make it to the Final Showdown of SFC: Battle Royale?


*Shameless Gillian Anderson New Show Plug


Think you know who will end up in the final four and be the ultimate winner of Strong Female Characters Battle Royale? Email your answers to

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