Roman Holiday Boxing

Dec 15th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Dear Jonathan,

I just saw Tallafornia. Any suggests on what I can watch now in order to avoid night terrors?

Two things you should know about me. #1 – I love British television series, especially historical dramas. #2 – I have an unhealthy infatuation with evil bitchy women in power. So this would explain why I have Period Piece Mondays every week with Eileen!

Now, for those of you who are not familiar with my love of Mr. Ray Stevenson, then might I recommend you check out Eileen’s June 2011 post? Yes, Ray was the star and most essential character in HBO’s series, Rome, which I have promptly renamed, The Titus Pullo Extravaganza of Brutal Hotness™. This was a genre defining series in which Ray slaughtered a few people, drank some wine, got naked, got around to slaughtering some more, had a fight with stupid Lucius Vorenus over something inane, walked around shirtless, and then had sloppy seconds with a lot of people. Oh yeah, and there was some political stuff and some dude got murdered on the senate floor. And that’s it. Yes, there were internet rumors about a movie and even a third season, but I am satisfied with my experience. Sure, Ray doesn’t call or answer my letters, but I think ours was a good romance. And now it’s done and I wouldn’t want to sully its memory.

Anyways Eileen and my latest foray into Period Piece Mondays is I, Claudius. The BBC miniseries debuted in the 1970’s, but literally takes off as the ideal predecessor to Rome.

Which brings me to the new object of my affections, Livia:

Evilus Bitchus


Technically, this series should have been named: How Livia Poisoned Everybody and Stole Jonathan’s Heart. Seriously, this woman is all shades of bad ass. From episode one, she stood there looking all regal and insidious. She also hold the greatest death toll in the early part of the series, single-handedly wiping out all other heirs to the throne to ensure Tiberius’s rule. In my wildest fantasies, Livia and I are stopping in at the gay bar and then this happens:


Which leads me to my new version of fantasy football … fantasy death matches between Livia and other historical figures.

Livia vs. Alexander the Great

She poisons him. She wins.

Livia vs. Napoleon

She stares down at him in disgust. He realizes he is poisoned. She wins.

Livia vs. Cobra Commander

He bites her. He dies. She wins.

Livia vs. Julia Childs

Julia works all day to prepare this lovely goose dinner with a red wine reduction. Then, Livia suggests Julia try her stuffed figs. Livia wins.

Livia, I love you. Call me. We’ll meet in the Underworld and gossip over pomegranate martinis.


Got a question? Send it to!



Tags: ,

Comments are closed.