“Blek,” Said The Lesbian

Oct 25th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

Last month’s column got me thinking about the many books I wasn’t allowed to read growing up.  There were actually quite a few – my mother was of the prude and prejudice type.  Anyway, here’s a small list of some wandering book covers and the secrets they hold that I can only dream of…

He’s pretty coy… for a muffin muncher.

The Muffin Muncher: Now here’s a dragon that knows what he wants and if you’re bluffin’ with your muffin, he just take some liberties and munch on it without your permission.  Now, remember the Azure Bond book?  Heroine Alias did have a draconian side-kick and this might actually have been his origin story.  Thankfully, Alias’s slutmail came with a girdle of munch-blocking.

He’s got wood.

The Rifleman:

“Beware the outlaws, son.  Winter is coming and they want nothing more than to get their hands on our wood.”

“Oh no, Pa! What we do?”

“Well, we can hide it where they would never think to look…”


Look at him, leering at his smutmavens. Disgusting.

Satan was a Lesbian: Traveling through time in her U-haul of the Apocalypse, the lesbian devil was sent on a mission to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that her next leap would be the leap home.  This involved a dangerous fight with Jerry Orbach over the honor of a scantily clad blonde.

I wasn’t allowed to play the video game, either.

Pools of Darkness: The Hot Tub of Mood Lighting was already taken.

I kind of wish this story was about eating hearts. But I’ll never know for sure.

Matters of the Heart:
“Don’t lose heart,” he told her. “I may want to cut it out later.  And I would like to avoid a lengthy search.”
Cecile clasped her hands like a bishop, all serious and chaste-like.
“Oh, George!  You must say that to all the girls.”

Nothing says good old fashion Danielle-Steele-Romance like a shadowy man stalking you into the sunset.  That is unless you’ve read the Twilight series.

Nothing scarier than fingers!

Fingers of Fear:
Apparently some poltergeists are total perverts.  On the cover, beautiful Gray Ormesby is fleeing for her life to her local Nordstrom to buy a pair of pants.  I believe they released a fully illustrated version of this – with pop ups!

Those tentacles… oh my.

Castle Greyskull Under Attack: He-Man fights the transvestite tentacle monster – until they realize that together, there’s nothing that they couldn’t do.  Not even the Sorceress could have predicted this one.


Got a question? Send it to jonathandefenestrates@gmail.com!



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